Valentine's Day

 What a great way to bring back the Melon Report than on Valentine's Day and a couple of poems about love. 

I’d Rather Rise in Love With You 
By Jana Lynne Umipig

I don’t want sweet nothings whispered in my ears
I’d rather be confronted by the savoury somethings
That truths communicated – in fullness and compassion bring
I don’t want long gazes or to get lost in your eyes
I ‘d rather have our eyes brave exploration,
Discovering every part of each other –
Every wrinkle and tint and shade
Every scar and marking that our livings have made
I don’t want to feel I knew you in another life
Or that I dreamed you in my sleep
I’d rather learn you piece by piece in reality
I’d rather you teach me how the you today
Is better than before
And I want my new self to love you more,
As I Love me more
I don’t’ want to be attached, or taken, or spoken for
I don’t want to make each other whole
I’d rather be two whole beings
Mind, Body and Soul
I don’t want to believe you do not choose who you Love
That you just know when you do
Love, to me, is a choice, you wake up every day and you choose:
What you want
What you need
Speak your truths to receive
Truths in exchange –
Past what is perceived
Past assumptions, to gain knowings
And to keep Love growing
It’s more than the showings
It’s the clarity in communication
It’s the calm and patience past frustrations
It’s the listening and the stillness –
It’s every message from body to breath
I don’t want to fall for you
Or fall in Love
Falling is falseness, it’s fleeting
I’d rather rise in love with you
In ascension
Without fear and apprehension
I don’t want to sacrifice any part of me to make it work
I want to invest in all of me and all of you
And give gratitude
That we empower one another in self worth
I don’t want to be possessed or bound by Love
I’d rather be Liberated in Loving
I’d rather be Love that is Revolutionary
Love that is Patience
And Presence
And Respect
And Pride
And Honesty, nothing to hide
And Attraction
And Joy
And Truth
In every thing we say, show and do
In Love with you is all of this to me
And there is no place I would rather be.

 I can't believe I still have this blog.  I have to admit, I gave up writing for a long long time.  Life got in the way, literally --- a life, a little tiny human one, that I made in this body.  My work is completely different, I didn't end up flunking and I'm upset about still being so hung up over, well that! 

Writing now feels weird an invasive though, but perhaps I'll try to be more consistent. 

Words for A Boy

There are so many things that I wish to tell someone and I've tried, but it just feels that when we talk about it in person, it doesn't work out. Given that is the case, I have attempted to write him a letter of my feelings, but even the thought of giving him the letter makes me nervous.  This is such a delicate situation.  One minute we're the best of friends, the next he tells me he loves me.  And it's not just the fact that I've caught feelings, it's really that  I'm so confused with what we are that I want to reach out and get clarity.  What's going on?  Like Childish Gambino raps "Are we dating? Are we fucking? Are we best friends? Are we something in between that?"

Since I can't share this with him, I figured I'd share it here.

It's so hard for me to find the words to say to you.  I prefer to write letters because there's some type of security offered through the veil of paper.  But when I attempt to write to you, a block exists.  It's almost as if what I have perfectly articulated in my head, fails to translate correctly onto paper.  Part of that is because of my own shyness.  I don't feel comfortable telling people how I feel.  There's a certain vulnerability behind that and I don't like feeling vulnerable.  The other reason--the bigger reason is that I am so afraid of telling you how I feel.  So much of our relationship rests on a fulcrum.  One minute we're something and the next absolutely nothing.  And there's a part of me that would much rather live in a weird limbo and have you in my life than risk losing you completely.  Limbo is a bridge though--a place that connects you from one place to the next, but isn't really a destination--and let's face it, no one can live on a bridge--or plant potatoes.  I am reaching the point where the part of me that wants to tell you exactly how I feel can no longer be contained.   

I'm not saying I want anything more from you than just the simple acknowledgement that I am something to you.  If I'm just a friend, that's fine.  It's not really fine, but I guess what really bothers is that your words and actions are in congruent.  You say one thing, act one way and then the next day it's the complete opposite.  

See even here, where I know just random strangers will read it.  Even here I don't feel comfortable writing my thoughts because they wonder so much and I'm so fucking confused.  What the fuck is going on between us? Seriously? What is this? What do you want from this? Which you is the one that I should be buying? 

sometimes i wonder if i ever cross your mind anymore.  i probably should be reading a bunch of books so i can work on my assignment and not fail my class this semester, but the only thing i can think of is you.

i wish i wasn't so scared and came to see you all those times you told me to. 

Untangling

Like the mess of embroidery floss meant for needlepoint
Kept in the old shoebox under my bed
We were a beautiful mangled tangled together mess.
The combination of intermixed colors made us
appear more beautiful than we ever thought we were alone.  

The years, like the knots, seemed impossible to undo.
One weekend was all it took
To sort through those Gordian knots.
One mistake, one move until each string came
free and we were left there
wondering if we were as beautiful on our own. 

Ode to a Redheaded Slut

Take your bottle produced lopsided locks
Dumbo-esque ears
Small lipped
Pill Popping
Insecure
Skank ass
Back to the hole you crawled out of.
Your four am texts do little to disturb my rest
Other than making me snuggle more into the
arms you wish were around you.

Waiting Room

Sittingin the waiting room of my doctor's office. Getting my knee looked at post accident. I hate that my knee is messed up. I hate that my car is messed up. I hate that I have too jump through hurdles because one person couldn't make a left turn properly. One person's inability to wait is using up my precious time!! I don't want to talk to insurance agents, I don't want to talk to adjusters. I definitely don't want to see the doctor. I wanted to start running again.

It's pouring out. If you factor out the shorts and summer dresses today is more like a winter day than the summer. The day does nothing to help my spirits. I hope I get into graduate school. I hope I get a better job. I hope Ruthy and I get this house we're looking at. I'm hopeful but at the same time I feel like none of this will work out.

Rent

If you want my apartment, sleep in it
but let's have a clear understanding:
the books are still free agents.

If the rocking chair's arms surround you
they can also let you go,
they can shape the air like a body.

I don't want your rent, I want
a radiance of attention
like the candle's flame when we eat,

I mean a kind of awe
attending the spaces between us---
Not a roof but a field of stars.

--Jane Cooper