We turn into ghosts loitering outside doorways we imagined entering.

Ha! LO read this! Poor poor soul. Why would you put yourself through this? This isn't even entertaining, we're not even going to go into the scematics of it either! This is plain bad. (That makes me want to photoshop a package of plain yogurt and put bad somewhere on there, but make it snazzy.)

I wrote this last night.

1.22.07 -> It's almost over and still some of my final thoughts turn to "my last hurrah"

A girl in high school once came up to me and my group of friends while we were in Chorale. She may have had a mutual friend with me. She said somethign, I believe I remained quiet; which she may have misconstrued as me ignoring her. I wasn't. I was just shy. She called me straight or said something to that effect. I wonder how different high school would have been if I had corrected her. Maybe I would've had more dates! Who knows. At least people would know that part of the rumors and their suspicions were correct!

On myspace, that vast coldrun of deep meaning, where people truly reveal their souls and announce to the world who their friends are, my about me contains a line from the Marge Piercy poem Never-Never. (It is also the title to this entry) I am a ghost, stuck haunting the doors of what could have been. Lurking around this missed opportunities hoping that there is someway I could have the chance come back. I wait around these doorways wondering if the grass that I can only imagine is infact greener. Wondering why I never took the chance to find out then, instead of wasting my time considering the possibilties now. I suppose part of it has to do with my own insecurities, each insuring me that the other side containts a field as muddy--if not muddier than the one I am already in.

If I were a character in any novel, I would probably be Alice (if that's her name I don't remember) from The World According to Garp. I can never finish anything I start. Like her I can't get out what I want to say (she had a speech problem) and I am just a side character, not entirely important to the plot.

I want to stop haunting her door. I want to walk away from it knowing nothing will happen and accepting that. But I can't. I want to stand by her door, I hope that I will be able to open it and enter. There's no point though, no one is on the other side to let me in, and like a fool, I'll wait in the cold and the rain just in case. Maybe keeping hope in the box wasn't that great of an idea was it?

-nak.