Zombies!

I don't exist!

http://www.howmanyofme.com/search/

Apparently there is no one in the United States with my name. I beg to differ... or perhaps it's better that they don't know I'm here!

Too Pretty to Eat!

Some Esplainin' To Do

When I first got my blog, I tried to record personal events and emotions in my life. This was yet another addition of a melodramatic self absorbed dribble malady that took over the internet for a period of time. My whining could (but never did or so I hope) be read by thousands of people all across the globe, all were in tuned with my cryptic cattiness, my pining for love and the extent of my procrastination. Lately, I've changed my blogging style. Rarely do I ever post anything about myself. The last few posts, and a blogging style that I prefer to cover from this point on consists of pictures I take with my mobile of either me being silly, or things I simply found interesting.

Why the sudden change? For one, I'm a slacker, it's effortless to snap a button on a camera phone and then text message the image to this site. Second, I actually read other people's blogs and I find the experience to be humbling. I read all of their personal drama and strife and their own perceptions of the world and it makes me realize how meaningless and pointless it all is in the grand scheme of things. (In my mind, the grand scheme of things is something like a Pollock painting, through the eyes of a five year old) I'd rather not bore someone with stories of my own mediocre life or some conceited post about my own greatness and how everyone adores me because I am a terrific person. I'm an ordinary person, with a pretty average life, doing ordinary things, going through trials and tribulations that thousands of others have gone through before me. I'd much rather post a picture of me looking like a fool, or a picture of something silly, or something beautiful, rather than bog people down with my own imagined problems. Time is too short to make such a fuss about things so little. Beautiful moments are fleeting, funny ones hardly last long enough and what it comes down to is that it's all rather insignificant and purposeless.

And now I'll need a really silly picture to make up for this post! Ha ha!

However, if anything interesting happens in the Anthro world that I want to comment on, or some big announcement takes place in my life, I'll most likely post it on here. Have to excuse those instances of course. Which makes me wonder why I haven't posted a picture of my mount!!

But It's Really Hard!

Bathroom graffiti lacks a spell check!

Turkey on my head!

This is why i'm hot!

Flava flav!

A Mediocre Sandwich!

I think I'll have to have a nap now it'll probably be the best nap ever! Ha ha!

Pretty Dahlias III

Wendy's!

Pretty dahlias II

Pretty dahlias I

A Good Sunday Night!

I did nothing this weekend. My fantastic idea of a WoW/anthro weekend were almost lost! Delusions of venturing off and finding new friends remained just that. At least it'll all end well before the work week, especially because the Giants won today. Coffee, anthropology, Giants win and Greek lesbians! What more could you want?!

Show Yourselves!!!

Who makes up this 36% of the country?

I'd love to know!

Bimbo in the States!

My Cube!

Where I Spend Too Much of My Time!

Can I pick up a lab manual today?

What's today's date folks?! Just answered your own question didn't ya?

Sheesh!!

Sometimes....you just need to shower!

I took this picture on my phone while I was in Spain. It was the first time I had taken a shower and bothered with my hair since the day before I left.

I wish I knew about this posting from my phone while I was in Spain. I would've blogged a bit more!!

It's funny how before it wasn't just youthful babble on issues of importance and somehow my opinion mattered. Now that the fun is over, I'm nothing more than a little kid.

I might be young, but I adopted a no shit policy a long time ago. So please, before you engage in anything with me...respect the house rules!!

Sheesh!

If it's for shits and giggles. Let me know...I'm all for shits and giggles. Otherwise do not waste my time trying to cover it up!

My Personality

Neuroticism	90
Extraversion	38
Openness To Experience	79
Agreeableness	34
Conscientiousness	8

You are neither a subdued loner nor a jovial chatterbox. You enjoy time with others but also time alone. You can be very easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be extremely sensitive and emotional. Novelty, variety, and change spice up your life and make you a curious, imaginative, and creative person. You have some concern with others' needs, and are generally pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

Basically, I'm a nutso!

The Gun Show....Coming Soon to a Eleni Near You!

I am exhausted today. My entire body hurts and all I want to do is crawl right back into my bed. I still have work to finish, a work out, dinner and serious studying to do. Along with a cat to clean up after. Today does not look promising.

Andrew and I have been working out everyday (but Monday) this week. Surprisingly I want to stick with it. (Even today, when I feel like my entire body is just a block of cement!) Muscles that I never knew I had, that I probably once learned about having, are sore. Especially in my arms. I have a ridiculous looking bruise on my knee from racquetball, and I got a little envious of the people in the spinning class that was going on while I was playing yesterday. Maybe when I'm at some sort of fitness level I'll sign up for Spinning again.

I joke around and say that the only reason I'm working out is so I can be really cheesey and ask people if they have tickets....to the gun show. Which is funny, but it's not the real reason. I don't even know what the real reason is. I just know that for a long time, I've wanted to be stronger, leaner, healthier, able to run without losing my breath. I feel like now I finally have someone that wants the same thing I do. It'll make me appreciate the outdoors more if I don't always feel like I have to sit down.

Next weekend I leave. How exciting and yet terrifying. Did I mention I hate flying. I HATE flying! But I think I'll have fun. I look forward to it, that's for sure. At least I'll be able to finally decide if I want to do this for the rest of forever. I'm getting somewhere though. Baby steps, but it's in a general direction.

Already I know that:
1. I'd like to work in an Academic setting. I experience the corporate world, I wasn't happy there. I'm happy here.
2. I'd like to advise students some day. I see the advisors do it and I feel like I could do that one day.
3. I've definitely narrowed down a research topic. Now I just have to research it.

So in the coming months, this is what I have to do:

1. Email admissions and find out how I go about going back to school.
2. Research my topic (more) and professors(more).
3. Email a butt load of people just to figure out what I'm doing.


So I sorta have a game plan. I'm getting somewhere. I guess I'm becoming more of an adult more responsible and goal orientated. (I'm still enamored with Hello Kitty, Cartoons and video games, there's no way I'm an adult!)

I'm finally getting to the point where I realize, that I actually have to work for what I want, and that's ok. I'm not going to do everything perfectly the first time and it's ok. Which I kinda always knew, but I sometimes felt that I was better than that.

I mean sometimes I get crazy ideas, like going to Merchant Marine Academy....because secretly I really want to do that. We'll see, I've got plenty of years ahead of me (unless I die on the plane next week and realistically only another 2 years to decide on Merchant Marine Academy, but for everything else, I have time)

Enough babble...there are transcripts to look over!

Balls The Size of Raisins...

Sometimes I wish I had the gall to post some of my real journal entries on the internet. I might have a lot more readers. I'd also have a few more enemies and men in white coats following me around town! The truth is, I never could. When I really journal, I can write the most terrible and atrocious things I can possibly think of. On the other hand I can write some of the sweetest lines ever written. It all depends on my mood at the moment of writing and often times my journal entires are littered with bipolar episodes. I'll write things I normally don't mean. I'll write about things that are irritating me at that minute. (I've also been known to write about the paper quality and the smoothness of the pen I'm using...so maybe it wouldn't be more interesting.) But I would hate for people to completely misinterpret things I write. I'm a very "This is How I Feel Right Now, I'm Going to Go with It" person. If I'm angry, I'm horrific. If I'm happy, I'm overly becoming and if I'm stressed, I'm just a mess. I tend to do the same thing in person when I'm around people I'm comfortable with. I'll mouth off on anything and I think in a way it makes me a terrible person. But whatever right?

Blah blah blah I keep ranting and raving... Boo boo boo. Jeez people are going to think I do nothing at work....I'm just, I don't know. Maybe working out yesterday is sent TOO MUCH oxygen to the brain. That combined with a cup of coffee, breakfast and about 3 hours of sleep, lethal combination for LO. His brain must be rotting reading this! My apologies my friend!

Lackluster Seems to Be A Common Theme Around Here.

I've been in a lackluster mood. Just completely bored and fed up with everything. There's much to do and I don't want to do any of it. Spain is coming soon and I'm not as excited as I once thought I would be. It's kinda like, oh another hassle yay! Blah blah blah.

Maybe I shouldn't blog when I'm in a miserable mood. Maybe I should blog about something more meaningful. Like world events. What can I say though that hasn't been said, and saying it doesn't really bring people towards action. I think I get more of a response from blogging about my socks and what not than actually discussing politics or world events. People are more interested and outraged by what I had or didn't have for lunch than they are about what the Bush administration does. (Ok, that's a stretch...but I like exaggerating!)

Maybe I should keep an anthro related blog. But I really don't know that much to discuss on it. I'm not John Hawks or Dienekes or Kambiz (and basically anyone from Anthropology.net). I don't know enough to give meaningful insight on new research and what not. But maybe trying will get me somewhere....eventually!

I probably should get to doing work. And just think about all of that later. Andrew and I are going to attempt to play racquetball tonight. I say attempt because:

1. I have terrible hand eye coordination. I'll miss the ball everytime and/or get hit in the face.
   
2. I don't have a clue as to how to go about going to the racquetball courts. Do I have to reserve them? Are they just first come first serve?
   
3. We're just completely unfit. I couldn't run away from someone who was trying to take away me life! I don't see myself overly exerting myself for a little blue ball. (Though last night I jogged with ease)
   

Andrew also wants to start swimming. I told him I need a decent bathing suit. Sure I have a nice bikini....but you can't do freestyle in that. Well you can at the beach when you're not trying to be hardcore about it. But usually when I try to swim to swim in a bikini.....I put on a show!

Ok...off to work now!

SPAM, it's Not Just in Cans Anymore!

Where does all the damned junk mail come from. No I don't care about Furniture sales, or enlarging my penis, or a teen lesbian getting spanked or surpass dxd Ladies angx ass xio banged by zxa boy (because that's not even english for one). Nor do I believe you Mr. Millionaire from Nigeria. (They had the audacity to fax those letters over to the Private Bank...that makes it seem even more legit.) UGH! There's just too much junk and not just in my inbox, but in life in general and I just want to rent a dumpster and get rid of it all.

There's just too much....too much! Too much carbon monoxide for me to bear.......

Late Night Rants.

It's been a month since I left Citi and according to Andrew I'm the happiest I've ever been. I don't complain as much, nor am I anywhere near as angry. Probably because I feel like I'm doing something somewhat important with me time other than wasting my life. Granted, I don't feel like I want to be an administrative assistant for the rest of my life, but being at Rutgers is helping me figure out a direction I want to go into with my life. For example, I've seen Dr. Haviland advise a bit and the craziness that goes on in the office, and that makes me want to one day be an adviser. Here I look up to my boss as a role model rather than dreading having to talk to them. It's more of a situation where I can see myself doing that in a few years, and I can see myself doing that and actually enjoying myself. Whereas at Citi, I didn't want to imagine myself being there in a few years. I didn't see myself becoming a banker, a service officer, an investment person. (Or as everyone's business card there says Assistant Vice President or Vice President)

I must say though that from Citi, I definitely miss the people. I miss walking into Beatriz's office and having conversations with her about anything random. I miss Eleni talking to me in half Greek half English. I miss Anna telling me about the Getty and hearing about her passion for Art History. I miss Francis and Magaly. I miss Johanna and her silliness and I miss Sebastian. I miss Benita and I wonder how she's doing constantly. Even though I liked such a large group of people there, I couldn't stay any longer. Sure the money was nice, and the people I interacted with the most were great. But the whole environment of the business, the fact that I felt like there I would be just stuck in this ridiculous rat race that people call life. Not that I think other people there are doing so and I don't mean to criticize anyone there or anyone that wants to choose that lifestyle. I'm just not cut out for that world.

So at least now I'm getting some inkling as to what I eventually want to do for the rest of my life. Ok, maybe that's worded incorrectly. I've always known what I want to do for the rest of my life, that's to do absolutely nothing. (Unless at some given point and time I felt like actually doing something) What I mean to say is that I'm starting to figure out something that I'd like to do to make the years in between now and my retirement all the more enjoyable. And since I was being realistic and honest, we'll change the above to "in between now and my 'time to go,'" (Because let's face it, I pee like an 80 year old now and seem to lose things just like them...but the time I actually hit that age, I'll be pissing on myself and forgetting about it!) most enjoyable.

A while ago I read a blog that one of Patricia's friends wrote about marriage and how it's ultimately settling. Now that I think about it, we should expect marriage to be settling. How many of us are actually doing what we planned on doing? How many of us will ever be doing something they planned on doing? And how many of us are just going to pick something that pleases us enough to make it through the day. If we're going to be settling on what makes us happy, why is it so hard to imagine that we settle on who makes us happy?

Life is one giant compromise. A lucky few get everything they want and the others just have to find things to make them content. That's how the cookie crumbles.

This is Just to Say

This is Just to Say
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
- William Carlos Williams

I don't remember when I first came across this poem. It may have been when my sister was writing a paper on "The Red Wheelbarrow." and I was curious to see what else this poet had written (at the time I think I was rather stunned at how you could write anything lengthy about that poem to begin with). Or maybe it was after I had to deal with "The Red Wheelbarrow" on my own and wanted to see what else Williams had to offer. Maybe it was in that Freshmen English text book I "borrowed" from Mrs. Fedynyshyn's class. Who knows?! Whatever it was though I'm glad I came across it.

Andrew makes fun of me for liking it. It's too simple. I think putting it in my aim profile caused LO to write a similar poem of his own as a rebuttle once. I'm fine with people not understanding why a 12 line poem, that is essetinally three sentences long is one of my most favorite poems...but I'm also a little irked by it.

One of the main reasons why I like the poem is the instant visualization I get. I can see the actually act of the poem happening. When I read the poem I see the speaker in my head relishing in the plums. I see the poem being left as a note on the icebox to the plum owner. The crushed face of that recipient. I can see the plums themselves, the glorious, juicy, perfection worthy plums. The visual I get from the poem is so complex that I can even feel the receiver's dissapointment and the speaker's false apologies. And yet I know that this poem goes beyond an insincere apology over a ruined breakfast. I get the deeper meaning, I see the "universal truth" (for lack of a better term) in it. The fact however, that it's so simple and creates such a familiar image and a powerful image to me makes it so genius. Everything that needed to be told is stated in three simple lines. Three lines that tell a story that almost everyone can relate to. Three lines that work the magic of 20 or thirty.

It actually makes me quite jealous, I wish I could capture something so complex into simple language. I wish I could capture every single little idea or visual or scenario that sparked in my head into three sentences, 12 lines, one short poem and then feel free to just send it off to the world.

This morning's ride in was like going to a bakery. I saw a French Cookie I wanted, but I knew better than to go and get it. Hopefully tomorrow will be the same!

Sibling Rivalry

An article in the New York Times claims the eldest sibling has a higher IQ over her younger one. The average difference was 3 points. That might not seem like a lot, but that could be the difference between getting a B+ and a Low A. I'm not really sure if I buy all of that, but I did agree with some parts of the article. As the younger sister to a ridiculously overachieving genius sister, I've always wondered why she was so much smarter than I was. I guess that would explain it.

Does it has something to do with prenatal care or nature? I really don't think so. After I think it has more to do with nurture rather than nature. I know my sister and I were definitely treated differently growing up. My parents were a lot stricter with my sister than they were with me. That may have been because my sister paved the way, or what not. That would be something to really look into as a social anthropologist I suppose. It's something that I've always been curious about.

Some things I agree with in the article:

Some studies find that both the older and younger siblings tend to describe the firstborn as more disciplined, responsible, high-achieving. Studies suggest — and parents know from experience — that to distinguish themselves, younger siblings often develop other skills, like social charm, a good curveball, mastery of the electric bass, acting skills.

That is most definitely true. I feel like I am a bit more social than my sister, I'm more creative, I'm just a little more out there than she is...but have you ever read one of her papers? She's definitely the more studious one and she's more responsible than I am (My sister saves her money, I like to spend all of my pennies!). I also like the way they compare it to a niche and the younger siblings trying to find a different way so there isn't direct competition. I wonder what that means evolutionarily.

I also think though, that siblings are more supportive of each other. I know my sister was always telling me to do whatever I wanted. And I look to her more for support and an OK than I look at my parents, so when the article states this:

[T]hat younger siblings often live more adventurous lives than their older brother or sister. They are more likely to participate in dangerous sports than eldest children, and more likely to travel to exotic places, studies find. They tend to be less conventional than firstborns, and some of the most provocative and influential figures in science spent their childhoods in the shadow of an older brother or sister (or two or three or four).

I see that coming from the fact that we have this extra support. Also a support that's more in tune with you. There's no age gap, and "voice of reason" I suppose. I'll give you an example. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer. And my father hoped I would major in something a little more practical than what I decided to go into. It was my sister however that was with me on majoring in Evolutionary Anthropology. It was also my sister who was the only one that could really see that I liked what I was studying, she was also the only one in my family telling me I was good at it.


I'll probably try to read the actual article from Science and again the NY Times article in more detail and edit this so it's a little better and make some sense! But in reality what do I really know! Maybe I should look over my Social Evolution notes as well!! Along with all the bones I have to study! I'm sure it'll be a splendid night!

I Don't Need No Stinkin' Title!

Phew! Now that that's out of the way, I can continue with this blog entry! Actually, I need to make a generic rant that I can just insert into this thing whenever I wanted to. It would save me time and energy. It would be like Greeking...only from a real Greek and not in Latin!

Any who, it's been my third week at work now. It's not so bad. I make stupid mistakes. I blame that solely on the fact that I am in fact stupid!

I'm a little worried about my trip. I was supposed to get an updated Expedition Guide (or at least that's what I got out of the email they sent) and I haven't. Being the paranoid soul that I am, I emailed and my "Expedition Coordinator" had no idea what I was talking about. EEP! I hope she just didn't understand my "it's too early for this" English, so I emailed her back. I haven't heard from her. These people don't understand who they're dealing with....I will go buck wild to get my money back.

No one reads this so I wonder why I even bother to post. I don't even know what to write anymore. Nothing that interesting happens and I've been so tired lately that I don't even write in my regular journal. My exhaustion mixed along with a complete boredom of my own life and problems makes for equally boring and poorly written blogs. What am I going to write about though? The same waste of thoughts and problems that I've been obsessing about for the last 3 years? That gets a bit old and I don't really have the courage to blog with the same detail and scope as I would in my private journal. I don't want to deal with the dramatics of it nor do I want to put myself out there for the whole world to read. (with the possibility of the whole world being able to read it. That's more accurate!)

I'm just stuck. As stuck in my meaningless blog entries as I am in my life. What am I going to do with myself. I have grandiose ideas as to what I am going to do with myself, but the conviction and drive to actually make those ideas a reality isn't there. You would think knowing what I need to do to improve myself would spark some type of motivation in me, but it hasn't. I'm sitting here knowing what I need to get done and just looking at it as if it will just do it itself. I'll just wake up one morning and everything will be laid out for me. No need to study my osteology, no need to refresh my math for the GREs, no need to write stupid proposals and apply to graduate schools. I'll wake up one morning and everything will be perfect....like Christmas Morning.

I need to get back to work, before I have to start worrying about that too!


Blibbity blah!

Out kiddies!

The Proof is in the Pudding!

I've studied Human Evolution for 4 years. I still read up on it now. I can spit out Darwin's Theory of Evolution through Natural Selection better than most Church goers can recite the 10 Commandments. Yet, through all my years of study and my desire to learn more and my belief in evolution is how we got to where we are, all it takes is one dumbass to make me think....maybe this isn't really how we got there. Shouldn't there be a selection against half of these people walking around? Or is that just me? Oh culture...you double edged sword!

Anyway, I've had a series of bad mornings. Yesterday I fell down a flight of stairs. It gave me a giant bruise on my forearm and the nickname Bumpy (Andrew's very creative apparently). Today, I spilled oil all over the pants I was originally wearing so I had to change 2 minutes before I had to leave for the train! Yes! I got really angry too and started bitching. It happens though.

Other than that little rant, nothing else is really happening. I'm just reading up on some Anthro things. I realized that I just space out when it comes to reading about magnetostratigraphy. I've tried to read this little chapter three times and every time my brain doesn't want to stick with it!

Apparently Ruby thinks that the chick Chloe from Smallville looks like me. She said she was watching it and she was like look that's Leni! Pfft, that's not what my heritage said:


But I'll let you decide:

More importantly she said that it was the cuteness of her face that reminded her of me. That just means that I got called cute....by someone else who is beyond ridiculously cute!! Ha! Suckers! I'm cute and the proof is in the pudding!

Retarded

I noticed LO left me a comment about doing photoshop to yogurt. For days I was trying to figure out what the hell is was talking about. Today I finally found the post. Perhaps this weekend I'll get on it!

I'm an idiot!

Upstream Red Team

My first couple of days at Rutgers. Tis not bad...not bad at all. But it's summer and it's quiet. I'm sure in the fall it'll be nuts. It's a nice department the Life Sciences department. Seeing the classes these kids are taking/ have taken and being on campus makes me want to go to school again! I want to study and all of that balogna. I really do. I want to buy text books and sit in lectures of all sorts, boring ones, fun ones, in the middle ones. I miss those days. I can't believe I skipped class because now I look at it and I know I was a complete asshole! I should've gone to every class, I should've taken advantage of every free event, free anything Rutgers offered. (Except for the free Juice and Cookies offered after donating blood...which I can't do anyway!)

Being here makes me wonder why I ever left and went to work in Corporate America. It's a scary place and heartbreaking. Especially to an idealist like me. Absolutely heart breaking!

Maria got a phone call from the 'rents. Big problems in little Kalamos, but my parents are also known to be exaggerators! So it could be little problems that they've elevated into these huge problems. They like making mountains out of molehills, actually it's a Glykis trait.

Ruthy emails me frequently and keeps her blog up to date. I don't really think she's having a great time there, but she could just make it seem like it sucks because she doesn't want us to think that she's having a blast without us. I hope it gets better for her. Maybe once the field school actually starts she'll like it more.

Portugese festival is this weekend in Newark. Supposedly the last one ever. I'm not sure if I am going to go. Who would I hang out with if I did go? Dave's only going for a bit on Saturday, Danny's not going at all. I haven't spoken to Beto or Shitty in forever. Carlos is going, but I don't really hang out with him. So.....I guess I'm just going for a bit for Saturday.

Yeah, I could write more but I'm at work, and I really don't think I should be taking up my time blogging. So I'll get back to work!

Monday Blues

It's a cold and rainy summer day. Already June. Can you believe that? Already June! A year ago I had just moved back home and started looking for a job. A month ago I had nothing to do. Actually I think my time off mimics when I came home from school. That's pretty cool.

So I started my new job. It's pretty exciting. I checked my email, myspace, and used meebo all in one day. I have to say that's better than Citi off the bat! I couldn't check my gmail there and after a while I couldn't evne check my Google Calendar. What kind of Riduculousness is that?

We only part to meet again.

And so today begins Ruthy's two month trek through out Peru. She cried when she said goodbye to me. What a silly girl. It's not as if she's moving to Peru and I won't ever see her again. She'll be back before she knows it and the only thing that will have changed is that she'll be skinnier and tanner. As for the rest of us, we'll still be the same. Boring and miserable. Ha!

Next week I start my new job at Rutgers. I'm anxious. I don't like the beginning of anything. I'll be new, I don't really know anyone there, the commute is going to suck until I get a car, but I'm sure it'll be alright. The work will be far better than it was at Citi, but I'm not sure if the people will be the same. I didn't think I'd feel sad when I left on Friday. I thought I'd be excited but I left a little heart broken. Especially when it came time to say goodbye to Beatriz and Eleni and Anna.

I've said a lot of goodbyes in the last month and that kind of stinks. I hate saying goodbye.

We turn into ghosts loitering outside doorways we imagined entering.

Ha! LO read this! Poor poor soul. Why would you put yourself through this? This isn't even entertaining, we're not even going to go into the scematics of it either! This is plain bad. (That makes me want to photoshop a package of plain yogurt and put bad somewhere on there, but make it snazzy.)

I wrote this last night.

1.22.07 -> It's almost over and still some of my final thoughts turn to "my last hurrah"

A girl in high school once came up to me and my group of friends while we were in Chorale. She may have had a mutual friend with me. She said somethign, I believe I remained quiet; which she may have misconstrued as me ignoring her. I wasn't. I was just shy. She called me straight or said something to that effect. I wonder how different high school would have been if I had corrected her. Maybe I would've had more dates! Who knows. At least people would know that part of the rumors and their suspicions were correct!

On myspace, that vast coldrun of deep meaning, where people truly reveal their souls and announce to the world who their friends are, my about me contains a line from the Marge Piercy poem Never-Never. (It is also the title to this entry) I am a ghost, stuck haunting the doors of what could have been. Lurking around this missed opportunities hoping that there is someway I could have the chance come back. I wait around these doorways wondering if the grass that I can only imagine is infact greener. Wondering why I never took the chance to find out then, instead of wasting my time considering the possibilties now. I suppose part of it has to do with my own insecurities, each insuring me that the other side containts a field as muddy--if not muddier than the one I am already in.

If I were a character in any novel, I would probably be Alice (if that's her name I don't remember) from The World According to Garp. I can never finish anything I start. Like her I can't get out what I want to say (she had a speech problem) and I am just a side character, not entirely important to the plot.

I want to stop haunting her door. I want to walk away from it knowing nothing will happen and accepting that. But I can't. I want to stand by her door, I hope that I will be able to open it and enter. There's no point though, no one is on the other side to let me in, and like a fool, I'll wait in the cold and the rain just in case. Maybe keeping hope in the box wasn't that great of an idea was it?

-nak.