I hate when creativity strikes me at work. This has happened for the third time at work in the last two weeks. I think it's because it's hard to find quiet time at home as of late. Part of me wants to get rid of my desktop, and buy a laptop. Or maybe just buy a laptop. For moments like this, I could've ran away on my lunch break and gone with it.

I've gotten in an unsatiable mood to paint lately. Although I know my paintings will suck, I've gotten ideas. Actually, all I want to do is paint and write. No work, no reading (or trying to read) anthro articles, I just want to hang out, paint, write and make out! Ahahaha! I sound like some kind of bohemian beatnik.

Lately, I've become a different person I've noticed. I've been more relaxed. I let my hair down more, I really don't consider other people's opinions of me. I think that has a lot to do with who I've been surrounding myself with lately. No one starts pointless arguments, I never have to worry about some stupid drama starting up. It's just all about hanging out. I can even be as retarded as I want, and no one cares about a stupid comment here or there. I went from consistently walking on eggshells, to walking on sunshine. (ha ha!) I feel like I finally get to just be me, because no one is concerned with what being me is, they just want me to be? Does that make sense? I hope it does. Hanging out doesn't invovle pretensions or a need to please everyone and make sure they are all ok with you, it's just...hanging out. Some of these people I've only known for a month and I feel completely comfortable around them. I had some friends I've known for years and I never felt the same level of comfort with them. And this isn't to say that these new people are my new bestest friends adn we're all so tight, because that's not how I operate. But I like the ability to just...be myself...even around complete strangers.

I had a lto more to say but I typed out a lot of it to Ruthy. I'll get back to this again when the mood strikes me.

I'm just in a good mood and being in a good mood scares me...it foreshadows a poor afternoon ahead. Let's hope otherwise.

This is what keeps going through my head....

Planning Ahead

It's too early for new year's resolutions...but then again I never really stick to them anywho.

Since I can do the running thing pretty OK. I've decided I am going to try to accomplish some more things this soon.

I plan on:
- Getting reacquainted with my artistic side again. I haven't really seen that kid since I was in college and that was just for a bit while I was conjuring up a bad story Ruthy enjoyed reading. Maybe I'll finish it so she has something to read...at least something that will keep her awake on the train.

- Actually using some of the things in my apartment that I bought under the idea that it was an "investment"

- Reading all of those anthro articles I printed out and taking notes

- Typing or scanning all of my notes so that I can dispose of the originals that are just taking up too much space in my closet.

- Learning photoshop.

- Getting shit organized. My apartment, my life, my thoughts. Well my thoughts at least down on paper and I'll take it from there.

- Experimenting a bit more with my cooking. Seriously, how many nights can I eat pan fried chicken. I know it's quick and I'm lazy, but seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

- Figuring out where it is I want to be. Which I kinda know, it's nowhere and everywhere at the sametime. But I'll just focus on making every moment a blast and by blast I mean that I'm having a good time...even if it involves running for miles and questioning why it is I do these thing to myself!

I feel like blogging and I feel like journaling. Really journaling, getting all of that nonsense out of my head that's locked up in there. But I feel like I can't and when I sit down and want to, I realize how ridiculous it all is, which makes me stop writing and grow weary.


ugh....I wish I would just stop thinking....about everything.

I should be

working
writing
thinking
planning out my future
finishing a painting
finishing a project
planning a website
getting reacquainted with old skills
helping my sister with her wedding plans
setting up my diet
setting up a better workout
saving money
taking care of myself
doing something more important than figuring out all of the things I should be doing.

I'm stuck in a funk, in a rut. More like stuck in a fork and I have no idea which road to take. No this isn't some Robert Frost shit. All roads have been traveled on, I just don't know which one to take. Each day I begin to figure out more and more about myself and it terrifies me to realize that who I am now and where I want to go are not on the same path. Not that I don't like who I am being, but who I want to be leads elsewhere and although what I want to do is nothing original, it's new to me and that new territory seems frightening. I should just screw this fork and march my way though the middle....

Ha!

http://scienceblogs.com/dispatches/2008/10/no_pictures_of_gay_people.php Well that guy commented on that, but I'll be adding my comment to this And how of course it's on fox news. Ha!