The Metric song Hustle Rose keeps playing in my head.  I suppose it's the soundtrack for this post.  The emptiness of it I guess captures my own emptiness.

My stomach has been a mess for the last two months.  I finally threw up today.  A feeling I've had for the last two months.  Finally it came out. I thought throwing up would make me feel better, it hasn't, but I want to keep doing it.   I want to keep going until I feel as small physically as I feel emotionally.  

Realistically what's even the point of posting? Does anyone really care that I feel absolutely hollow inside?  I feel like I'm made of bird bones.  There's no density to me, I could easily be picked up and carted away.  Only feeling like I can float away isn't liberating. I don't find any freedom from this flying, just the feeling of loneliness and hopelessness.  I need the balloon to keep me alive but at the same time it takes me further and further away from the ground.  

I'm supposed to come over tomorrow.  I don't really know if I want to. I don't really even think you want me to. I'm setting myself up for the worst because everything in me is telling me that's what's going to happen.  It adds to my feeling empty. I already know what to expect.  I already know what you're going to say.  I already know what you're thinking.  You're just trying to find the right words to use. Shouldn't I just save you the effort of having to save face.  You're just not that interested.  This all got way out of hand way too fast.  You love me, but _________.  I can hear it in your breath after the words come out of your mouth. Save them and spare me the train ride. Say them across the telephone wires and let me get closer to having a full night of sleep. 

       I've already lost so many nights of sleep over you.  How many now over the last year plus? I've lost count. What difference do a couple more make? They are the less important of my causalities so far.   This feeling is temporary.  The actions I've done to get to this point aren't.  But that's my cross to bear.