Words for A Boy

There are so many things that I wish to tell someone and I've tried, but it just feels that when we talk about it in person, it doesn't work out. Given that is the case, I have attempted to write him a letter of my feelings, but even the thought of giving him the letter makes me nervous.  This is such a delicate situation.  One minute we're the best of friends, the next he tells me he loves me.  And it's not just the fact that I've caught feelings, it's really that  I'm so confused with what we are that I want to reach out and get clarity.  What's going on?  Like Childish Gambino raps "Are we dating? Are we fucking? Are we best friends? Are we something in between that?"

Since I can't share this with him, I figured I'd share it here.

It's so hard for me to find the words to say to you.  I prefer to write letters because there's some type of security offered through the veil of paper.  But when I attempt to write to you, a block exists.  It's almost as if what I have perfectly articulated in my head, fails to translate correctly onto paper.  Part of that is because of my own shyness.  I don't feel comfortable telling people how I feel.  There's a certain vulnerability behind that and I don't like feeling vulnerable.  The other reason--the bigger reason is that I am so afraid of telling you how I feel.  So much of our relationship rests on a fulcrum.  One minute we're something and the next absolutely nothing.  And there's a part of me that would much rather live in a weird limbo and have you in my life than risk losing you completely.  Limbo is a bridge though--a place that connects you from one place to the next, but isn't really a destination--and let's face it, no one can live on a bridge--or plant potatoes.  I am reaching the point where the part of me that wants to tell you exactly how I feel can no longer be contained.   

I'm not saying I want anything more from you than just the simple acknowledgement that I am something to you.  If I'm just a friend, that's fine.  It's not really fine, but I guess what really bothers is that your words and actions are in congruent.  You say one thing, act one way and then the next day it's the complete opposite.  

See even here, where I know just random strangers will read it.  Even here I don't feel comfortable writing my thoughts because they wonder so much and I'm so fucking confused.  What the fuck is going on between us? Seriously? What is this? What do you want from this? Which you is the one that I should be buying?