You Fit Into Me

You fit into me
like a hook into an eye
a fish hook
an open eye

—	Margaret Atwood

Line of the night:

i am truly insane. here's the post leni, stop bitching

Hard Copy Betrayal.

I'm not one to read text on the computer. I prefer to kill trees and pollute the earth. There's just something magical about holding a book, a journal, a magazine in your hand that staring at a computer screen version of the same text will never be able to capture. As of late though, I must admit, I have been secretly admiring this little number . Specifically that one, not this one.  I don't know what it is, maybe it's the ability to have a book in seconds, or the power to carry 10 books with them feeling like just one.

Look at these features:

• nook's easy-to-read E Ink® display is more like a traditional book than a computer screen. With no glare or backlight, and adjustable text size, you can read comfortably for hours.
• With 2GB of memory, nook stores up to 1,500 books, newspapers and magazines. Need even more space? Just add a memory card for storage of up to 17,500. An entire library light enough to take with you everywhere, so you'll never be without your favorites.

It even plays AUDIO.  It's a library and media center all in one pretty little package. 

Yeah go ahead and say "Hey Leni, don't you have a netbook? Can't you just buy ebooks? That thing is a small computer, the nook is just an ipod for books!" I don't care for your criticisms.  The gadget fetishist in me is oogling at that lil' puppy while your words are coming into my hears as just noise instead of voice of reason. 

What would really happen if I got one? I'd use it for at most the first two months until I felt ripped off at not "owning" the book.  Sure, I paid for it, I downloaded it, I can theorectically read it whenever I want. (Who knows if BN will do the ridiculous pull of an already paid for book like Amazon did with 1984) But $9.99 and I don't get to physically touch the cover, dog ear the pages and make ridiculous notes that I promise I'll return to, but leave there for another person to discover? I'll protest and go down to Highland Park Library and take the book I want out for free and thus go back to my paper and hardback booklove.

It's still nice to dream though.

I have a number of short stories to write, an even larger number of art projects to complete and plenty of books to read and even a pesky test for which to study. Sadly I'm lacking the desire to finish/begin any of them!

I don't have a lot of regrets. The few that I do have usually have to do with not using time wisely. (Why didn't I go to Greece then? Why didn't I study for that test earlier?) However some days I get a reminder of my past discretions that makes me think "Why the hell did I do that?" I had that today, followed by a groan and after further inspection a severe nod of my head at my former self.

I Heart Fags

This is my poorly written article for the day on two opinions!  

Sometimes, the Targum op/ed letters ARE good! But now I'm conflicted.  Reading the article in the actual Targum, I felt as if Abe were right. It made me think of the end of Merlin., the made for TV Mini Series with the guy from Jurassic Park. (I'm too lazy to IMDB his name) They defeated the villain by ignoring her, because that's how she lost power. If you stop giving people an audience they should certainly crawl back to the hole they came from and spew their own rhetoric amongst themselves. Your mother might be right, if you ignore the bully he will go away.  This kid might be on to something! Plus I liked his quote, brownie points to you sir.

But then scroll below and read  Jaime's input! Firstly, tip of the hat for concocting a well written argument. (As far as the Internet is concerned!) You stated your opinion well and didnt' even call the other person a name.  Or even tell us that you were first! YAY! Wag of the finger however for having a good argument! Ha ha ha! I feel that she's partially correct.  Today you really can't ignore the bully.  You have to go in there and duke it out because let's face it, the centurists never win.  You have to become all crazy extreme like them in order to have your rational normal voice heard...even on such regular issues as actually respecting other people and not being a hate monger. 


Although this was a great unrelated comment: 

we should have a dance party that totally surrounds/ blocks their protest from being viewed from the street so they can't spread their message to anyone. rick roll them, have a pro-love anti-hate bake sale, anything to drown them out. we should start a facebook group or something

Well I found the perfect song:  I Heart Fags by Mc Frontalot :)

Weekend Wrap Up With Wordle

I've given up all pretense of being a programmer. 8 years of college got me nothing but $90,000 in loans to repay. I have to suck it up and accept that I'm not what I'm not. I've a nice, safe job w/ good health insurance and that's good enough for me.

via Lord Omlette

Pretenses such as those terrify me.  I'm scared that I'll one day come to the same conclusion and I don't want to.  It's a door I try hard to run from, but fear is the closest one to me.

This bit from The World According to Garp always reminded me of myself.

She may have had a pretty voice but she couldn't complete anything [. . . ] She could say everything beautifully, but --as Garp remarked to Helen, when he was finally exasperated with Alice--she couldn't get to the end of anything. She couldn't thtop
Unlike Alice, Garp was a real writer--not because he wrote more beautifully than she wrote but because he knew that every artist should know: as Garp put it: 'You only grow by coming to the end of something and by beginning something else.' Even if these so called endings and beginnings are illusions.

I always see myself as Alice, I can never thtop*. I never work with the idea of completion in my mind. I always fear that it sets me back.
*I not poking fun of people with lisps, but if you've read the book you'd know that Alice speaks with a lisp, so I'm keeping with the story.

All the World's a Stage...

I last left you folks with promises of being more open, more public, and more available, only to have acted in quite the opposite manner. Rather than becoming an open book for you, it would seem that I have taken cover.  The biggest factor in my disappearance, I haven’t been in the mood to write.  Actually I have, but either I hated almost everything I wrote or I didn’t feel it merited the time being typed.  (Yes, I still pen and paper things, it’s my preferred method!)
            Aside from those excuses, I’m quite terrible at being open.  Not only that, but I find that more and more, I detest the audience.  Contrary to what the once pink hair might have shouted from a distance, I dislike attention.  Ok, it’s more like I  am horrified of the audience.  Attention, from an audience?!  What a loathsome and horrendous concept!  An audience, full of individuals all with their own thoughts and opinions, some at all shy about making their ideas known, even at the expense of the protagonists feelings! Wretched and terrifying indeed, and that is to say the least! 

            This disdain for the public seems rather recent. Years go I was utterly unmoved by the audience.  I lcared little for what they thought of me, my writing, my looks, my ideas!  I naively thought such things as “Who were they to judge?” or even “So what? Who cares what they think? Who are they?!”  Back then, I would write freely, for hours, I would draw, I would dress in colors that were never destined to be together and prints that should surely never meet.  “Let them give me their opinions, I’ll be sure to give them mine back!” I said to myself if I saw an disapproving eye or heard a snide remark.

            Time changes things, or so the cliché says! How true! Now I’m so petrified of the audience that they exist with their opinions even in my most private of places.  Simple things such as choosing a word lead me to question why I chose that word,  to eventually such thoughts of my sentence structure, and the strength of the sentence itself.  To the lines on a picture being straight, to it being good enough, even if no one will ever see it! The thought of what other people will think comes into my head immediately after an idea has been conceived in my mind and instantaneously aborts the production. This pseudo audience is critical and expects nothing but the very best out of me at that exact moment. The idea should be golden from the beginning, otherwise, why even bother having the idea!  This scrutiny causes me to second guess myself, triple guess myself, quadruple guess myself till I get to the point where all I want to do is give up, because I know I’ll never make it out alive.

            This evening, I was clearing out some old paperwork. I came across a recommendation letter for my undergraduate NYU application from Frau Boghossian, my old German teacher and possibly one of those most influential teachers in my life.  I had Frau B (as we affectionately referred to her) from 7^th grade to my senior year of High School, if there were a VIP section to my own audience; she was definitely there, in the balcony as I gave my small performances.  Reading this letter, I question who this Eleni she discusses is.  Surely this younger gal and I cannot be the same person.  Frau writes such things as “Eleni is an individual in the true sense of the word.  Whether it is blue hair or her opinion on American foreign policy, she is not afraid to express her views, which she usually supports with good solid arguments” and “Eleni is enthusiastic and eager to learn, and every learning experience seems to open a new door to her, which she investigates and explores.”  Is that even me anymore?   Perhaps it was me.   Perhaps this younger me would have been more adept at finding what I think is “me”, the one I find myself constantly losing!  Perhaps when I was younger, I was just better at faking it, or I had no reason to know otherwise, I hadn’t yet been disillusioned.  Perhaps this persona that I once exuded is a part of me but I just can’t seem to hold on to it.  After all it was my fear of the audience that kept me from ever mailing in the application for NYU.  I couldn’t think of a thing to write and I was too afraid to read their critique.  

Part of my new plan is to make myself more public.  Not in the sense that I'm going to open up myself to the world and unleash a slew of issues better saved for a couch and a guy who charges me per hour for such a bearing only for him to conclude that my parents messed me up eternally.  No, unless I do take up such a service. I think it'd make for excellent blogging, but let's see if I ever have the audacity to bear myself to a trained professional, when I have a hard enough time bearing myself to the people constantly around me.  That's another topic for another day.

What I meant was that I was going to start posting up some of my blurbs or stories, some more personal writing, some stuff that I'm slightly embarrassed to show to the world, because I'm afraid of being critiqued in a certain way.  But part of it is being laughed at isn't it?  Someone's always going to find someone else funny, and terrible. But maybe someone else out there will love it.  Even if it's just one little individual.

Has a lot on her mind.

5 more class till I'm done. Amazed it's so few and yet it still feels like so many. Changes to come after that, since I'll have time....to revert back to my antics

I want to paint more, craft more, write more. Part of me can't wait till this class is over, just so I can have more time.

I'm going to be dead tomorrow.

Fundamental Change 1. I got a tumblr account. No blogger, you don't have to see me go, but somethings are easier there then on here. I'll figure out a way to combine to two as soon as I can. Now I need to get some sleep. Expect long posts on anything and everything!

I love being quoted on another blog! I say some silly shit!

I have a ridiculous amount of updating to do. Expect long posts. Expect major changes.

I promise promise promise to have this all fan-fucking-tastic as soon as I finish up with this class!

Chh--chh-chhanges.

I think it's time I brought some change to this site and actually stuck with it. Actually, change seems to be the name of the game lately. But can I stick with it and follow through, that's the question.

I've come up with some ideas on how I want to change my blog. First, I think I want to get my own domain name. Although I do like free aspect of blogger, I'll look into how I can customize it to the way I want.

But this is sort of a waste of cyberspace. (If there is such a thing.) Part of me wants to change that. While still keeping this still personal at times. And I do like posting pictures of cool things that I see.

So stick around things will be a lil ugly for a while, things will be a little wack, but hopefully in the end it'll all come out great.

Multimedia message

Testing!

What I would do without some people, I just don't know!

I blogged on the third?! It feels like it's been ages since I last wrote anything. I have some ideas floating around. But right now I have to go get a pop tart and finishing reading about phonology while I crap away the rest of my lunch and talk to people on meebo.

Expect an update hopefully at the end of this week or middle of next.

Mobbing. And if it continues to happen, I will do something about it. I'm not some passive player and I'm not afraid, especially when you've got nothing but malice to show! So bite me. That's all I want to say, bite me. Let me do my job, the way all us 20somethings do my job and get over your napoleon complex. You're not a king or a dictator, and your true colors are showing.