Three Libras

This isn't directed entirely to one person, but rather a number of people and at the same time directed at no one. A rant at it's finest, with some forms of truth in it.


Lately, I've gotten a lot of questions from former friends about where our friendship has gone. What was the cause for this leafless tree in my peopled forest? What was this wintry wind? I have yet to give an answer. Why? I'd like to say there are a myriad of reasons, but quite honestly there are only a small few to explain why a part of me has not passed away from my shrinking forest. One, I haven't sat down and actually thought about it. I haven't sat down to come up with the words. I haven't given it a serious thought until now, where I feel like it's easier to post my blogs. The other reason is because part of me doesn't want to. After this long, after I've put myself out there and umpteen number of times only to be turned away? After I've done all this fighting to save something that you made me think was meaningless to you? I felt like you showed me where I belonged. Your actions mixed in with your bullshit excuses and/or your pathetic lies let me know exactly where I stood. Yet, I sat there, listening to the meaningless drivel spewing forth from your face and coming up with excuses for how you were in order to keep that small tree alive. To save the "friendship" I thought we had. And to come at me now, to come to me after so long and wonder what went wrong and how we could fix it. It's just, it's a little too late. Don't make me sing it like JoJo.

Don't come to me now and ask me what we could do about us being friends. You know what you could've done, you could've not placed me on the back burner. You could've stepped up for me a few times, you could've decided not to make the choice among friends. You could've stopped giving me bullshit lines, you could've been honest with me. "It wasn't my place to invite you." "I'm busy" "I didn't feel like talking to myself" The former president was more believable with his Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq idea. Not only are you insulting the friendship you're insulting me directly. You honestly think I am THAT stupid?! Gee, thanks! No I wouldn't see the plastered photos on social networking sites or OH GOODNESS your away message! Talk about a slap in the face. It's one thing to lie to some one. Everyone does it, that's not the issue, the issue is that you did it so blatantly!

More importantly however, I simply don't care anymore. It's not worth my time, I've put in enough effort. I've over the heartache. I'm on the acceptance phase of the grief and quite honestly, I've never been happier. It's as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, the cage has been opened and I am free. Perhaps it was best that that tree has gone on to become leafless. Because around it, better ones have sprouted. No more liars, no more straining to impress, no more needing to put ridiculous amounts of effort for zero return. So go ahead, stay on your course. Keep your new friends, let my tree become as leafless dead and bare as yours has. Eventually it'll fall completely away and something great will come if it. And though I've said I'd always be here, I'm not longer sure if I want to any longer. No one can live on a bridge, or plant potatoes-- this is true, but I am no longer sure if it is good anymore for comings and goings, and at least for me, it's no longer someplace where I'd like to be.

So Many Things To Do!

I haven't updated in ages. But has there been anything blog worthy happening in my life? Not really. I have much to do. The running/working out continues. And after my trip to Boston, I might need to seriously step it up this week. (I ate terribly and I feel like a whale! Or like this lil chickie
Yuck. I have to come up with a new plan. One that involves more sleep for now so I can wake up earlier and work out 2x a day. Let's get on that! I seriously need to step it on and watch how much I eat, what I eat, etc. I might be Special K-ing it for a while! I am going to lose 5lbs by the end the end of April. I don't care how much non eating it takes.

Finally caught up on Supernatural. Sad sad day. Now I have to wait for new episodes. I don't know if I can! It's also getting a bit too serious for me. Just a tad. I need more silliness! I'm sure it'll be back, but you know a show can't be all silly...it needs a main story line!

GRE study front has resulted in epic fail. I'm just not doing it. I'm also not keeping up with my reading. I have these new set goals and I'm not accomplishing any of them! (Except for working out...but I'm only doing that 3x a week!) How many calendars with gold stars can a girl have?! My entire apartment will be nothing but accomplishment boards! Ha ha ha!

Speaking of my apartment, the place is in such a disarray. You wouldn't know it by looking at it, but things are a mess. I want to take a week off in April (probably Holy Week Orthodox Style) to get it together. Nothing like Spring Cleaning for Zombie Jesus Day! I think I am also going to use that week to spice up my Wardrobe. I've been in the mood to change things up. I look like a shmuck. It's time for me to get hot. A bigger change will come again in June. We'll see, it depends on how much weight I lose and how much I want to go shopping.

Charsi cat was in heat again. That slut. I wake up with her ass in my face. I mean I'm all for the ladies, but I stick to my species lil kitty. I feel so bad for her, so I just pet her cute lil face. She should be getting snipped in two weeks anywho. So the cute lil meow exchanges will be done with :(. Yep, my kitty doesn't howl like a banshee when she wants it. She meows all super cute and she'll respond to your meow! I love it! She was pissed when we were gone this weekend. She was very schizo last night and would want to attack and cuddle. Punishment for leaving her! She also followed us everywhere we went. (Signs that she missed us!)

Boston was pretty cool. It's odd, I hate the City, but then I dislike every other US city I've been too for what seems like to me, trying too hard to be the city. I mean there's nothing wrong with Boston, but it has this Little Town/Big City feel and it doesn't really work. It's fun, but it's no New York! A good thing about it not being New York though is that the town actually has deals. We went to a free Brewery Tasting! Harpoon Beer. Their Celtic Ale was delicious! The Cider was good too. That was pretty much all I liked. Everything else was meh. Some (ie the Leviathan) was terrible. That's what ass tastes like. Don't be fooled by the 11.75% alcohol. (Which, honestly if you're going to want to get hammered, get a mixed drink!)
Tastey!


Gross!


And to finish it off with an awesome:


Can you really go wrong with half priced burgers and $6 22ounce drafts? No you can't! That's a meal for $8! (The burgers are normally $5-$6 and yes, they are full sized burgers)That I enjoyed!


Other important tidbits of my trip:
Went to a flea market and saw a bunch of freaky ass paintings. I'll post them up back home. Give me a moment.

The Cape, that was cool. It wasn't wellflette and normally I used to go all over the cape, but that's when I'd visit my cousins in the summer. This was a day. And Kelly's sisters are funny so it was a good time. Got a really cheap sweater, made my day! We also hung out by a camp fire for the rest of the night. I love fire! Andrew and I discussed camping. Can't wait! Real camping too, not fake camping!

Saw Athena and Charlie and Donna for a bit before we split back to the dirty Jerz. Athena is silly and Charlie and Donna, well, they're Charlie and Donna. You can't describe them, you have to meet them! Althought I did discover that my mom calls everyone to gloat. It's not just me! Ha ha ha! All in all it was a good weekend.

The 3.13 front.
Had a pretty good birthday. Nothing insane, those festivities (although I hope not too insane) will partake this weekend, when Ruthless and I celebrate our Quarter Century of Awesomeness together. But for a low key thing it was fun. At work the day before (I took off because working on your birthday is a WACK ATTACK!) they had banners for me and treats. It was so cool. My office makes me feel loved. Went to SYF with the Greeks. Hung out with Peter and Drew till Midnight and got wished a Happy Birthday. Went home and watched an episode of Supernatural. The next day woke up late accomplished some errands. Ruthy came over, she got me Fusion Frenzy and an awesome bag. Played some Fusion Frenzy. Showered got dressed went to my grandparents. Went to SYF with Ruthy, Abe, Maria, Jay, Drewface and Abe. Went back to my apartment got Rugi played video games for a bit. It was just perfect I think. It felt good to turn 25, it's the new 21! Ha ha ha!


Well that just accomplished one task off my to do list. In case you were curious as to what it was here it is:
Laundry
Workout
Blog
Spice up wardrobe
Figure out schedule for things
Study for GRE
Clean Living Room
Write to Pen Pals
Respond to People who need responses
Work on Paintings
Work on other craft projects
Clean closets.
Budget
Plan Easter Menu

AIM Conversation of the Day

[15:49] Me: i dunno dude
[15:49] Me: it's fucking stupid
[15:49] Me: why do people care so much!
[15:50] Abc: haha idk
[15:50] Me: I wonder why people get rid of me
[15:50] Abc: haha what! i cant imagine that
[15:50] me: i don't fucking pester them about it!
[15:51] Abc: true they shud just put you in thier pockets!
[15:51] me: ahahaha
[15:51] Abc: haha
[15:51] me: like lose change!
[15:51] Abc: haha

Working out: Two weeks each of them with three gold stars! Yay! Although, I think I threw away my February calendar. There goes that accomplishment. :(. The snow put a damper into the running because well, there's ice everywhere now! I'm thinking maybe Andrew and I should hit up the track at Highland Park High School or Buccleuch Park. The workout we're on is my most hated run of them all. I failed this last time. There's just something about 4min run 1 min walk intervals that my body does not like. Maybe it's the number 4, I'm more of a 3 girl. I just lose energy and I don't eat anything at the end of the day. So I go from sitting on my ass for most of the day, to expelling energy, with no energy to expell. Next week, will be a full week of running (hopefully) and I am going to start recording everything I eat. I have to make it a point to eat something jam packed with energy two hours before I run and then drink something a lil bit before I run. Otherwise, this whole thing will never work. On a plus side, I am getting some feedback. I recorded various measurements last night and I've actually lost a lil bit. An inch up top, half an inch in the middle...not so bad. I won't get to my goal weight until July according to Calorie Count. Realistically though, I could careless about the weight, I'm more concerned with how it looks. I always said I wouldn't mind if I weight what I weighted now, if more of it was muscle. I've been doing the same stuff lately, but I think I'll keep my workouts at a month's rotation, so next week begins something else!


I had more to say, but then I started going through stuff on Women's Health and lost all track of time and any other thought process. Blech. Oh wells!

Impossible IQ Question

This offensive image came up on a Facebook ad for an IQ test, with the following question: How many eyes in the above image? Most People get this question wrong. Try to beat today's high score.

It's not offensive because it's a fat asian baby. Those cheeks are in fact quite pinch-able. What's offensive about it is that it made my own eyes melt out of my head and roll down my cheeks. That was after having a starting contest with the damned thing...because it eyes SUCKED me in. Horrible.

Review

Running: Back at it again and actually going into it as a champ. A fourth grade playground champion, but I'll take my victories when I can. I guess it's different now, I KNOW I can do it. Although yesterday was a different story. Physically I felt like I could do it, but mentally, I just wasn't there and realistically, everything is a mental battle. I lasted through 2.5 reps and then called it quits. I was simply too tired. We'll see how today fares! I still completed my workout when I got home, so I still get a gold star! That's three for this week so far!

Andrew: I never knew Andrew to be a social awareness kinda guy. Not that I ever thought he didn't care, it's just I always felt like his mind was elsewhere...until you have him going on copyright law. The boy loves the copyright debate LOVES it. And he has a very adamant stance on it. I have to admit, I love it. I love the boy's convictions and principles.

This post: Should be much better, but I'm at work and tired and not really in the mood to blog. I'm in the mood to write, (in my journal or on a sheet of paper that will eventually become my journal) but lately writing has done nothing but make me fall asleep.

My goals for this year: Have been sitting flat, with the exception of working out! I need to get back on the good horse and ride my way into my fantastical sunset of awesomeness.

Tis all for now.

Out of all the muscles in my body....

you would think that after a year+ of solid walking 2miles a day, mixed in with a mild running program at some point, my calves would not be what hurts me the most. Though, here I am with such tight calves that merely flexing them brings me pain. It's annoying. Annoying because I don't want it to stop me from running tonight, the same way it stopped me from walking this morning. A run and a bath seem in order for tonight.

I'm super nervous. I have a theory that nothing good ever comes certified mail...and last night we got a notice about getting something certified mail, but no one was home to receive it. This naturally makes my mind spark up ideas of eviction, lay offs, any sort of bad news you can imagine...all in one letter. Blech I hate it. I hate my paranoia.

I'm way too excited for...

• the options of classes I have for the summer.
  
• the package I'm getting tomorrow.
  
• the lecture on Australopithecus afarensis tomorrow.
• working on HCA stuff this weekend
• lowering my debt
• getting done with the P files for work on Friday
• dinner at Maria's Saturday
• Street Fighter IV Tournament
  
  and most importantly.......

• Running & working out. A bit too excited about it. Kid on Christmas excited! It's not even the losing weight aspect that has me excited. It's the proving to myself that I can do this and seeing how far my body can go. I feel that if I can commit myself to running and working out, I can do anything else I put my mind to. Why? Because honestly, running sucks. Working out sucks. Being sore sucks. The temptation to sit down and not physically exert myself is too great, but if I can get out of my comfort zone and prove to myself that I can do this, then anything else should be cake. It's a challenge and each day that I do run or work out, is a small victory for me. Sure, I'm not saying oh no, I don't want the hottness that comes with it. I honestly can't wait to see my body morph into what I've always felt it should be, but that's really a secondary reward. The first reward is that feeling of accomplishment and for me, that's the runner's high, that's the workout high. Now that my muscles are sore and when I schlep myself to work because my calves are too sore, it's a reminder of my accomplishment. I feel that all this is a big step in helping me break down the wall between who I am know and who I know I can be. I can't wait till I can run for 16 minutes straight again, I can't wait till I can run for 30 minutes straight, I can't wait till I finish my first race, my first marathon, my first triathlon. I can't wait till I can do pullups again, till I can just be completely fit. Along with getting my PhD, I think that has to be one of my biggest life goals and if I can do that, the first one should definitely be cake. School was always easy for me, this is much more difficult.

So that's three gold stars for me this week! Let's put them on the board folks!

If your ex REALLY needed you at 3 am, would you go to his/her house?
What the hell would you need me for at 3am? And I don't think he'd call me anywhos. I don't even know where his house is!

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
When is the last time I didn't want to punch someone in their face? That would be a better question.

What is the last thing you spent money on?
Coffee, I shouldn't....but I can't help it. And honestly DnD coffee bites.

What was the last thing you cried about?
I cry everytime I think about how awesome I am.

Could you go a day without eating?
I have, I get migraines.

When was the last time you talked to your number 2 in person?
Who the eff is my number two. Erica? Andrew? I dunno.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a E?
Nope, I don't believe in same Alphabet kissing. Ha ha, kidding! But no I haven't.

Do you smoke weed regularly?
Nope not even irregularly.

Has anyone ever told you they're in love with you?
Yeah, just about everyone I know...because who DOESN'T love me?

Do you believe in true love?
Yeah in a weird messed up sense of the word love.


When was the last time you were disappointed?
Last night. Stupid Steelers.

Are you playing hard to get right now?
Yeah, I like to spice up my 6 year relationship from time to time.

Do you miss your past?
I miss being a kid, but who doesn't?


What are you doing tonight?
Laundry seems appropriate, but who knows if I'll ever actually do that! I'm lazy.

Honestly, if you could go back 5 months and change something would you?
Um...I can't even recall two weeks ago...I can't remember what happened 5 months ago.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
Maybe, but only because they probably envy my awesomeness.

Can you drive stick?
Sure, but can I drive it well....nah. Andrew needs to take me out a couple more times so I can be more comfortable with it.

Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now?
My pillows, blankets and CharsiCat the Ferocitus.

Has a girl ever seriously punched you?
I have an older sister with fists of mother-effing fury....so yes.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Nope, because I don't really think there's a reason for anything happening.

What are you doing right this second?
"working"

Have you fixed friendships with anyone lately?
Nope

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
There's a couple of them.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Work and some kind of chore...I have to check my list. Maybe working out.

Have you kissed two people in one night?
Ha! Maybe, probably, yeah.

What do you think about smoking weed?
I don't really mind if people do it, it's just not for me.

How did you wake up this morning?
Alarm and CharsiCat.

Do you believe everything you hear?
No, I only believe everything I read on the internets.

Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
I always feel awkward.

Are you taller than 5'5"?
Nah. Cuteness hardly ever comes in sizes that tall.

If you're being extremely quiet, what’s it mean?
A bunch of different things, I don't feel like talking, I'm sick, I have a headache, I'm concentrating, I'm angry....whatever.

Look outside, how's the weather?
I walked to work I remember it being party cloudy and kinda warm.

How do you feel?
I'm tired and sore and I hope I'm not getting the flu.

Do you trust all your friends?
I trust the ones who deserve it....my paranoia permitting.

Did you like anyone last summer?
I like people generally all seasons of the year.


What's one of your favorite colors?
I like darker colors.

In the past week have you felt stupid?
Yeah, but I always feel stupid.


I have to start posting things of substance....it's actually become one of my "chores." Ha!

How does a Monday go from shittastic to utterly terrible within less than two hours? The thing is I still have a doctor's appointment to go to tonight. And it's not exactly the kind of doctor I love going to!

Here's a list of things I really want to do tonight:

• eat some ice cream
• listen to ridiculously depressing songs
• paint (maybe)
• cry for a good hour or so by myself
• get eaten alive by my kitten
• fall asleep and wait for tomorrow to prove to be better.

Instead I have to :

• work
• go to the doctor
• go food shopping
• do laundry
  

Blech!

I'm a little peeved and extremely paranoid and part of me is extremely indifferent. I just don't care anymore, although I feel a bit hurt. If I could change my blog name for just a day, I'd pick the word "shitastic" because that's exactly how I feel. And to be honest, I was in a great mood...and I woke up at 4:45 today. How can you be in a good mood that early in the morning? Blech.

Add Drop Period Means Paper Craziness!

This is the neater part of my desk. The other side looks worse and my piles have now officially become piles!

Why Asshole Should Come With More Examples In the Dictionary.

Someone on Yahoo answers posted a very simple question regarding RockBand 2 and how to save people using the drums. Makes sense, why read the manual when you can just ask online? Or maybe you don't have the manual. Perhaps the print is too small for your eyes! Anywho regardless of your reasons for asking, why would someone answer:

Um.....i have NO idea what you're talking about....?

And his source be:

OHH!!! It's a GAME! Like Guitar Hero? That's why i have no clue, I'm a REAL guitarist, played shows , recorded , etc. ...Sorry , i'm not a "Gamer".

My complaints, which may be attributed to my already unsavory disposition, are as follows:

1. Apparently, you're not exactly great with grammar! I hope your guitar playing abilities fare much better! Perhaps you're not a grammarian either!
   
   
2. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ANSWER?! Look, no one plays these games and then thinks they are a rock legend. It's just for fun. The fact that you take it so seriously is ridiculous! Oh you're a REAL guitarist. Did anyone question your musical ability or need validation of your self perceived awesomeness? Oh no, that's right, someone was looking for help! You however, simply needed to show off how small your cock -- or lack there of -- truly is!

And if you're questioning my intentions, well surely you can include this entire post as simply another example of an asshole.

i am a font jukie.

and i have a cat that is way too curious about the items on my desk.

Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people right now. Go on guess.

One) I find you completely ridiculous and you give in too easily.
Two) I find your smile to be completely infectious and I'm glad you're always able to put me in a good mood.
Three) Sometimes, I find you attractive and the thought of that disturbs me. I don't want to fall into the cliche scenario, but sometimes I can't help it.
Four) You're entirely too good for me and I don't deserve you, but I'm glad you think I'm awesome.
Five) I wish I could make you see what an amazing woman I always thought you were, instead of the shell you've become. You were always my superhero as a kid.
Six) I miss being around you and I wish I could see you more often.
Seven) I wish you'd stop your foolish lying, I'm not seven anymore and I'm pretty good at detecting bullshit.
Eight) You're the most amazing person I've ever met and the only reason I came out alright. That makes me feel a bit guilty, because I know how much you did to make sure I always had a smile on my face. I hope one day I can come close to ever returning the favor.
Nine) You're the goofiest genius I've ever met!
Ten) I have such a hard time explaining why we don't keep in touch anymore and I wonder what you're up to.

9 Things about myself...
One) I l can be selfish, but there's a select few that I'd be completely selfless for.
Two) I have lots of anxiety.
Three) I have tons of goals, but I'm scared I lack the ambition and drive to accomplish them.
Four) Painting and cooking are two things I don't care about failing.
Five) I want to live on a farm for a bit.
Six) Everyone bothers me sometimes at some point.
Seven) I joke about everyone and everything.
Eight) I have a soft spot for awful reality tv.
Nine) I know exactly what it is I want to do with my life, I'm just terrified of actually doing it. There's cyclopes along the journey folks!

8 ways to win my heart...

1. Be able to take a joke.
2. Make me laugh
3. Be extremely silly.
4. Don't agree with me on everything, have a backbone.
5. Get into good conversations with me.
6. Feed me.
7. Challenge me.
8. Get along with my friends

7 things that cross my mind a lot...

One) Graduate School.
Two) Hypothetical Situations
Three) The Stories I want to write
Four) My relationships.
Five) My cat
Six) Random worries
Seven) What am I going to eat.

6 things i do before i fall asleep...

One) go to the bathroom
Two) make sure i have clothes for tomorrow
Three) tell andrew I'm going to sleep
Four) say gnight to my buddies
Five) put up an away message
Six) Check it the alarm is set.

5 people who mean a lot to me...

One) Maria
Two) Ruthy
Three) Andrew
Four) Erica
Five) My parents

4 things im wearing right now...

One) Socks
Two) Pants
Three) Underthings

Four) shirt

3 songs i listen to often at the moment...

One) Gravity- Sara Bareilles
Two) Delicate - Damien Rice
Three) Picked me - A Fine Frenzy

2 things i want to do before i die...

One) Travel the globe
Two) Complete an Iron Man

1 confession
I worry all the time. Every second. Always.

How many people have you completely fallen for?

One

What color underwear are you wearing?

Black

Whats on your mind?
Everything and Anything

Have you done anything bad today?

Nope

Do you watch American Idol?

Nope

Who makes you happy most of the time?

The Drew, My Cat, My Sister and Bro -in Law, and my peeps.

When was the last time you did something illegal?

A while ago

Do you want to see anyone the very minute?

Maybe

Do you have a deep secret?

Everyone does

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Nowhere and everywhere

What was the last text you got, and what did it say?

Something about being in New Brunswick Soon

What are you sick of?

People

What do you want right now?

Go home eat and sleep

Would you use family connections to get a job?

Ha ha ha, my family doesn't have any connections.

Are you desperate?
Nope

Have you ever made anyone cry?

Yes I have.

Have you ever gotten stabbed in the back by a friend?

No, I've gotten tossed aside and treated as if the last 10 years meant nothing though. That's even worse.

Do you believe in god?

Not at all. Imaginary men cause problems when they are placed on a pedestal by bad meaning men.

Are you normally a happy person?

Yep

What makes you mad?
It'd be a shorter list if you asked what didn't anger me.

What is you're greatest fear?

Fear itself.

Do you like people?
Some people.

Are you annoying to people?

People annoy me, so I'm sure I annoy them.

What would you do if you walked in on your GF/BF with another person?

I have no idea.

What religion annoys you the most?

Actually no religion annoys me. It's when people abuse religion and turn it into something disgusting that I become annoyed.

If you could have one superpower what would it be?

Telepathy or Teleportation.

Who is the last person you hugged?

The Drew

If you could go back 3 years and change something what would it be?

I wouldn't change anything, I am who I am because of what I've done.

What's your favorite thing to talk about?

everything.

Would you sleep with someone for a million dollars?

It depends on who....ha ha ha

Would you kill someone for a million dollars?

Nope

Fuck you Eagles! Ha ha ha! I'm not actually angry. My team didn't get slaughtered like the last team the Eagles played. I'm disappointed that they didn't bring it, like they should have. So actually, like a decent person does, I have to say, good game to the Eagles. We didn't want it more, they did. Though I hope you lose next week! :).

On a bigger and more important note. I'm infuriated and it has nothing to do with the game. Which is why I wanted to get my spiel about the game out before I started saying I was pissed. Because I'm not pissed about the game. I'm just upset over it.

I think part of me is angrier that I bit my tongue for so long and didn't get what I've been wanting to say out for the longest time and the other part of me is angry for knowing that I was wasting my time and constantly hearing about how I'm wasting my time, but still choosing to do so. I can only be angry at myself for that.

But for the record. Dealing with a friend doesn't include the times you chose to hang out with them. That's part of being a friend. Dealing with a friend isn't even proof-reading their papers or listening to them babble on about nonsense. That all comes with the territory of being a friend. Friends do things like that for each other. It's the whole reciprocity aspect of being a friend. You scartch my back, I scratch yours and an alliance forms. Dealing with someone however, is always trying to explain to them how you feel and in return having that sentiment blown off by a sweeping statement such as "You think too much" or some other ridiculous excuse that you give to try to say that you're not choosing sides. But you've made is so disturbingly obvious that you have that it's sickening. Not to place all the blame on you though. Chances and common sense tell me that I should've known from the first time you decided to pick someone over me that this friendship was not viewed the same on both sides. It should've been a clear sign that at any given moment you would toss me aside for whoever stroked your ego, or made you feel like you fit in.

A good friend of mine always talks about the loyalty. It irks me. I think it's always been more the word, than the concept. Some words just strike me the wrong way, loyalty has always been one of them. It feels out dated, it sounds as if we are pledging some allegiance to a king or fellowship or something. But the concept, the idea of fidelity, the idea that you're not going to toss the other person aside like an old toy because a newer and shinier one came along, is what she always spoke about.

You think it's merely about disappearing. But it's never simply about that. I have friends disappear on me all the time. Disappearing isn't hanging out with the same group of people and choosing not to acknowledge another. It's not something you just pull up to cover your tracks, when your tracks aren't so easily coverable.

In addition, if you no longer chose to partake in my company, simply come forth and say so. It's better than the bullshit job you're doing of trying to act as if you're so busy. Honesty, regardless of how heartbreaking it may or may not be, is always better. If you don't like who I am anymore, if you find some fault with me then just say so. I've obviously found enough flaws in you to make me even question the reasoning behind my wanting to maintain your friendship. It's the runaround that irritates me the most. Why not just come out and say it, I don't like your company anymore. I don't want to be your friend. You irritate me. It would have saved so much more time. Efficiency people...JEEZ!

Reflections...

I really need to do something about the space I'm taking up here on the interwebs. I always say I'll do something about my blog to make it more....readable, but I never do. I think that I might actually have to at some point. I guess I'll have to add it to my list of 2009 Goals. I mean have you people read this thing? Jesus, talk about sucktastic. I should change the name!! And I should really blog abotu things that interest me more rather than just what I'm up to. I mean by all means, if you care about what I'm up to. I'll insert a random thing here or there...but I should change pace. A new year should mean new things right? At least for the first two weeks of January!

Being old news is the best news! :).

Feels like Sunday.

I said I wasn't going to pay attention to this football game...and here I am, listening to this football game. I really really need to stop. Cause I'll get a little TOO into it! Oh man and this interception, just pulled me even further into the game.

Highlights of Conversation today:

me: i say go dallas

ruthy: haha

me: i mean best team ever right?

ruthy: hahaha

me: they're america's team and america's the best place ever

me: and that means they are the best team ever

me: look, i only like the giants because i'm a fan of mediocrity

me: i can't appreciate greatness

ruthy: I root for the home team

me: exactly

me: that's why you're a jets fan

me: ha ha ha ha

ruthy: lol

me: look everyone's home is texas

me: texas is the heart of america

me: when you think of america you should think of texas

me: it's as american as like hamburgers and tacos
me: don't believe the hype that dallas is a mediocre team with a massive marketing engine


Sarcasm was of course the name of the game here people!


I'm an Eagles fan folks, twice a year, the two times they play the Cowboys and today, I'm sure all the hardcore Eagles fans were super ecstatic!! Thanks Eagles, for making this a fantastic Sunday Afternoon! Now, I hope you suck the rest of the post-season! Hee! Hee!

Weird Nighttime Cinema....a Series

I have weird dreams....and luckily, they are so weird that I remember them. Lucky for you that is!!! Because I will recount it for you here! Grab something to eat...something small, maybe just stick a piece of gum in your mouth...it won't be a long tale to tell.

My dream begins with me in bed at my old house. My bedroom is not the orange color it once was, rather all the colors are more subdued and the room is larger than it was. So large, that the bed I'm laying in is king size and there's still room left in the room. In said large bed Andrew, Abe and I because apparently, I had a slumber party or something. At one point, Andrew leaves the bedroom and when he does so, he sees Abe give me a hug or something, something completely innocent. He gets mad at me and when Abe leaves tells me that he's upset because Abe wasn't even wearing a glove. Andrew leaves, but not before telling my mother about what happened. She comes into my room and continues to nag me about how it's not right what I did. I can't have two boys giving me hugs without gloves on. She goes on and on about it, and all I vividly remember, is that I just wanted her to shut up so I could go back to sleep. I remember telling her that it was just a hug, who cares if he was wearing a glove or not. Her nagging was in both English and Greek. Irritating.

Noteworthy Links

These are articles I either encourage people to read...or want to read later on today! So don't stay a while please mosey on over:


Gay Marriage: Our Mutual Joy and if you'd like to embark on the feedback .

Linux Stop Holding Back Our Kids

I'll be adding to this as the week goes on!

Not Everything You Read On The Internet is True....

Domokun got NOTHING on my Charsi....but then again...she is a blacksmithing barbarian!

Jeez,

I haven't blogged in for forever. I'm not sure if I have anything to say. Or if I've even had a chance to sit in my thoughts and write them out. I'll do that soon. I'm trying to figure stuff out, but I feel like I've been stagnant. I need to change the way I am. 2009 will surely be different.

Tiresome Tuesdays.

Some times I don't know what's worse...the glances or the....

....

.....
Aside from the kitty (Charsi by the way) being able to come home with me, and getting the graduation certifications done at work today. Everything else has sort of been well, a mind jumble. I keep thinking over specific situations over and over again in my head. And wonder what the fuck I should be doing about it. Only my thoughts are never really in any particular order. They are always consistently jumbled and eventually become round about in what I wonder is me just trying to give myself answers that seem right. Am I trying to convince myself of some sort of reality that isn't really present, or is it what's really there and I'm complicating more than it needs to be. I've wrestled with this same question for what I feel like has been forever and now I'm beginning to think that my response is no longer of the same caliber that it used to be, but that more than ever I want it to be. Before it was clear as day and now....

And all I want to do is write about it, and just get it out and even then I feel awful about it. Well, I'd never actually blog about it, but I'd never want to journal about it and when I do I can't All the small stories and dialogues I try to pen fail miserably. I can't talk about it because it just makes me feel even worse and it probably comes out worse than anything I try to write.


Blah blah blah, I just don't want to think of it anymore. I don't don't don't. And if I put anyone in an uncomfortable situations I'm sorry about it.

Mysoon to be kitty!

Update:
Charsi is mine! And I will post new pictures as soon as she's home! :) I have to give a big thank you to Heather for finding such a cutie patootie and thinking about Andrew and I. EEP! Too excited!! :)!

This article just blew my mind. BOOM Blown. I'll respond to it in a little bit. Completely infuriated as if I weren't to begin with anyways. UGH! It's 2008 people Two Thousand Fucking Eight, grow the fuck up and leave your backwards fucking beliefs behind!

A few laughs...

Bittersweet.

So Obama won!! Woots are in order, but the road ahead is still going to be a long and hard one. I should be excited, considering that I go into all of these events with the notion that what I want will lose. (Super Bowl, Euro '04, Euro '08 all except the 04 election...and we all know how that ended!!) It's a trick I play for two reasons: 1. I don't want to jinx anything and 2. I'd rather begin the night disappointed and end on a happy note. I was happy last night when Obama won, actually I think at first I was more in disbelief. My brain couldn't comprehend it, like GTFO no way?! But the BBC wouldn't lie right? So now I'm just happy and I'm excited about what's to come from all of this. Is it really going to be change? And how much of a change? I know it won't be immediate, but I'd like to know what direction this will put us in. Excited I guess for the future.

And yet, part of me is still a little disappointed. Where was the youth 4 years ago? You guys all stepped out this time, but you could've ended the Era of Bush II last time. He was going to get out of office regardless of whether you voted this term or not. But you sat on your asses until it was made "cool" to vote and believe that you actually had a voice. IMs, Text messages, Myspace/Facebook Statuses remind me to vote. I've always voted. Don't remind me like I'm some imbecile, because where were you four years ago? Where were you when you could've made another difference? I guess I'm mad that it took kids my age 8 years of Bush to realize how backwards he is, than the first measly 4. So to my generation, thanks, but part of me still feels like it might be a little too late. Let's just hope this isn't a one time thing and you all do get woken up and realize that the youth does have a voice, we've always had a voice, and we definitely have more stamina to make a bigger ruckus!

And I'm also upset because of all the gay bans that passed. Arizona and Florida banned gay marriage, which I sort of expected from them, sadly. (It's sad that I have to expect that!) But Cali?! Really?! Really?! I was kinda hoping Prop 8 wouldn't go through and it'd set some standard for the country or so I thought in my idealistic mind. Completely disheartened. I just don't understand how, it's highly illogical. And maybe that's why I'm so flabbergasted, because this is something that won because those backing it, don't use logic. Oh well, I guess the key is to just keep on fighting.


More on this later, as I always say.

I hate when creativity strikes me at work. This has happened for the third time at work in the last two weeks. I think it's because it's hard to find quiet time at home as of late. Part of me wants to get rid of my desktop, and buy a laptop. Or maybe just buy a laptop. For moments like this, I could've ran away on my lunch break and gone with it.

I've gotten in an unsatiable mood to paint lately. Although I know my paintings will suck, I've gotten ideas. Actually, all I want to do is paint and write. No work, no reading (or trying to read) anthro articles, I just want to hang out, paint, write and make out! Ahahaha! I sound like some kind of bohemian beatnik.

Lately, I've become a different person I've noticed. I've been more relaxed. I let my hair down more, I really don't consider other people's opinions of me. I think that has a lot to do with who I've been surrounding myself with lately. No one starts pointless arguments, I never have to worry about some stupid drama starting up. It's just all about hanging out. I can even be as retarded as I want, and no one cares about a stupid comment here or there. I went from consistently walking on eggshells, to walking on sunshine. (ha ha!) I feel like I finally get to just be me, because no one is concerned with what being me is, they just want me to be? Does that make sense? I hope it does. Hanging out doesn't invovle pretensions or a need to please everyone and make sure they are all ok with you, it's just...hanging out. Some of these people I've only known for a month and I feel completely comfortable around them. I had some friends I've known for years and I never felt the same level of comfort with them. And this isn't to say that these new people are my new bestest friends adn we're all so tight, because that's not how I operate. But I like the ability to just...be myself...even around complete strangers.

I had a lto more to say but I typed out a lot of it to Ruthy. I'll get back to this again when the mood strikes me.

I'm just in a good mood and being in a good mood scares me...it foreshadows a poor afternoon ahead. Let's hope otherwise.

This is what keeps going through my head....

Planning Ahead

It's too early for new year's resolutions...but then again I never really stick to them anywho.

Since I can do the running thing pretty OK. I've decided I am going to try to accomplish some more things this soon.

I plan on:
- Getting reacquainted with my artistic side again. I haven't really seen that kid since I was in college and that was just for a bit while I was conjuring up a bad story Ruthy enjoyed reading. Maybe I'll finish it so she has something to read...at least something that will keep her awake on the train.

- Actually using some of the things in my apartment that I bought under the idea that it was an "investment"

- Reading all of those anthro articles I printed out and taking notes

- Typing or scanning all of my notes so that I can dispose of the originals that are just taking up too much space in my closet.

- Learning photoshop.

- Getting shit organized. My apartment, my life, my thoughts. Well my thoughts at least down on paper and I'll take it from there.

- Experimenting a bit more with my cooking. Seriously, how many nights can I eat pan fried chicken. I know it's quick and I'm lazy, but seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

- Figuring out where it is I want to be. Which I kinda know, it's nowhere and everywhere at the sametime. But I'll just focus on making every moment a blast and by blast I mean that I'm having a good time...even if it involves running for miles and questioning why it is I do these thing to myself!

I feel like blogging and I feel like journaling. Really journaling, getting all of that nonsense out of my head that's locked up in there. But I feel like I can't and when I sit down and want to, I realize how ridiculous it all is, which makes me stop writing and grow weary.


ugh....I wish I would just stop thinking....about everything.

I should be

working
writing
thinking
planning out my future
finishing a painting
finishing a project
planning a website
getting reacquainted with old skills
helping my sister with her wedding plans
setting up my diet
setting up a better workout
saving money
taking care of myself
doing something more important than figuring out all of the things I should be doing.

I'm stuck in a funk, in a rut. More like stuck in a fork and I have no idea which road to take. No this isn't some Robert Frost shit. All roads have been traveled on, I just don't know which one to take. Each day I begin to figure out more and more about myself and it terrifies me to realize that who I am now and where I want to go are not on the same path. Not that I don't like who I am being, but who I want to be leads elsewhere and although what I want to do is nothing original, it's new to me and that new territory seems frightening. I should just screw this fork and march my way though the middle....

Ha!

http://scienceblogs.com/dispatches/2008/10/no_pictures_of_gay_people.php Well that guy commented on that, but I'll be adding my comment to this And how of course it's on fox news. Ha!

Empty shallow small talk conversations that have no real meaning to them anymore. That's what we've been reduced to. Part of me would rather not have the empty conversations, I'd rather skip all of the pleasantries and get to the nitty gritty pieces at hand. Part of me wants to be able to divulge pieces of me that I used to once in the past and hear that the beans I spilled to you on the floor, were simply a product of my own neurotic behavior. I long for the days where we discussed nothing in particular. The days where we were just in each other's company for the sake of being in each other's company are long gone. And with them so are the days of watching bad movies in silence, playing video games, talking about inane things, cracking jokes and laughing at everything. AS part of me is so disgusted by you and your shallow decisions that I think even the empty conversations are asking too much of me.

I am beginning to not care how your weekend went. I care not to know as much as you choose not to include me in it. I ask because we are friends and what I am expected to do, what I am supposed to do. I do so because I'm stubborn and I'm trying to hold on to something that once had meaning. Which is as pointless as trying to hold on to ashes of painting...for the sake of it's artistic value.


Ha ha ha! I'm a dork. I'll edit this later....

New Facebook is now the only Facebook. For more information, read the blog, see the tutorial, or just keep an eye out for yellow boxes throughout the site.

The tone of this just seems a bit mean to me.


Also, I really hate how everything someone does on facebook shows up on my wall. I don't particularly care who's attending what, who found who through the "Friends Finder", etc etc.

Joe just ate a sandwich! Really who fucking cares?!

I've been feeling sick the last couple of days, light headed, dizzy and nauseated. I'm supposed to run tonight and I hope I can make it. I'm making my sister's wedding toppers. Four different prototypes. They are coming out well. I need to stop somewhere to get fabrics.

When I start getting back into anthropology again, I think I'll start another blog about that. Even though it's going to suck. Seriously. I've decided I'm going to keep a blog about everything I do, it helps me keep up with it.

My lunch break is almost over. Pootie.


I feel like death...seriously. I wonder what's wrong with me...and I'll keep wondering cause I'll never go anywhere!!

Palin terrifies the shit outta me. If you have a uterus or know someone with a uterus for the love of God don't vote for McCain. As soon as that old bastard croaks and she takes over, she'll make us check our uteri at the door. Who calls her a feminist? I'd certainly like to know what definition of feminist they use.

Frustrated

AAAAAGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I'm frustrated, irritated, annoyed, aggravated etc. You ever play Sims and your sim wants to go to sleep and then you see them pop up with the bed caption and they're making their lil faces and waving. That's how i feel right now. 1. I just want to go to fucking sleep. 3 hours of sleep 8 hours of work. And I still don't get to fucking go home, so imagine how I feel right now.

2. I just can't put up with people. There's too much fucking negative around me. I'm gonna go get fitted with my sister hang at her place for a bit and afterwards call the rest of the regulars and calm the fuck down. Sometimes I'm sorta glad I was outed and left behind...or as I like to say, that I moved ahead.

This shithole day is almost over!

I need to update on the running...maybe tomorrow. Even though I might not have time to run tomorrow :(.

Anywho. Indecision 08 has become more like well it's been decided for me. Regardless of how eh I feel about someone, I can't bring myself to vote McCain and I can't have my idealism take over and give up a vote to someone who is alright. So that's decided.

Went to the LGBTQ Fall Reception. Twas fun...I actually talked to people...after a while of course. And since when was there potpourri in the women's bathroom at the SAC?! And why was that one of the first things I noticed and wanted to talk about! AHAHAHAHA! I miss the SAC, I miss student involvement. Not that I don't like Bio...cause I love OUGI. Straight up the people there are AMAZING. But I think I know where my path will one day lead. I like helping students...who really want help. (Even if I do want to answer "But I'm a cheerleader" every time I hear "But I'm a senior!") So I think I might get slightly more involved...figure out what it is I want to do in Grad School and go for it! The keynote speaker today was awesome so I guess I would say that I'm inspired slightly. Or maybe I've had too much coffee today! Ha ha!

Awesome weekend plans coming up. I cleaned my apartment and it remained that way for about....two days :). Someone needs to take out the garbage STAT! Dress fitting tomorrow...did I mention my dress fits all the better! WOOT! That's cause I'm going from hot to even hotter! HA HA HA HA!!

I'm off to clean up some more, begin another mess and eventually get to sleep tonight!

Later kiddies!

Funniest thing ever.

"Life's not fair." It's a cliche, because it's true. And how do you know it's true? Think about all of the people that are just lucky enough to be born here that are just a complete waste of life, but find themselves to be so particularly awesome. Now think of people who are born in less desireable locations and have to go through a terrible existence. Not fair right? Whoever said all life is meaningful, never bothered to read myspace profiles. AHAHAHAHAHA. If this is what my generation is turning into, I most definitely do not want a part of it. I don't want to be part of a material driven, selfish, dillusioned generation that thinks they are something that they are clearly very far away from. Every action is all so fake, good deeds done simply to justify every other nasty aspect in their life. It's ok because....fill in whatever good thing it is you've done here! As if it works like Catholiscm tells people, 50 Hail Maries and you're no longer a sinner!

That sounds a little like I'm tooting my own horn. I sound like an elitist But I'm not. I know the own extent of my assholishness though. I know how good of a person I am and how bad of a person I am. I don't try to trumpet either side more, I don't try to color myself in a particular light or make myself any better or worse than I am. People try to hard to make themselves seem everlasting, to be the next big thing to be some overblown bombastic personality. Trumpeting one more than other, trying to make themselves everlasting somehow because a name will carry on. It's a shame none of that really matters....because realistically, nothing matters.

Friday ranting is the worst :)

I want to be a cool kid! Hopefully someday. I have to read that when I get a chance...but I should be sleeping! Tomorrow's work and another run! Woo hoo! I'm totally missing my peak :( Sigh. Oh well. You snooze you lose, but science isn't something that once it's done everyone's like well, that was cool...we'll forget about that. So hopefully...HOPEFULLY. I'll one day get to be a cool kid...finally!

A blog six years in the making....

Implications of One Plus One

Sometimes we collide, tectonic plates merging,
continents shoving, crumpling down into the molten
veins of fire deep in the earth and raising
tons of rock into jagged crests of Sierra.

Sometimes your hands drift on me, milkweed's
airy silk, wingtip's feathery caresses,
our lips grazing, a drift of desires gathering
like fog over warm water, thickening to rain.

Sometimes we go to it heartily, digging,
burrowing, grunting, tossing up covers
like loose earth, nosing into the other's
flesh with hot nozzles and wallowing there.

Sometimes we are kids making out, silly
in the quilt, tickling the xylophone spine,
blowing wet jokes, loud as a whole
slumber party bouncing till the bed breaks.

I go round and round you sometimes, scouting,
blundering, seeking a way in, the high boxwood
maze I penetrate running lungs bursting
toward the fountain of green fire at the heart.

Sometimes you open wide as cathedral doors
and yank me inside. Sometimes you slither
into me like a snake into its burrow.
Sometimes you march in with a brass band.

Ten years of fitting our bodies together
and still they sing wild songs in new keys.
It is more and less than love: timing,
chemistry, magic and will and luck.

One plus one equal one, unknowable except
in the moment, not convertible into words,
not explicable or philosophically interesting.
But it is. And it is. And it is. Amen.

Marge Piercy

So it's not ten years. It's six, but still! That's pretty amazing. Especially if you know as much about our relationship as we both do. Six years of putting up with a selfish hypochondriac who has bouts of narcissism and depression. Someone who doesn't appreciate things quickly, complains and whines about everything and is probably really ugly deep down inside. You have to give the man credit, he's able to find something so beautiful in me that he keeps coming back.

And me about him? I can't say anything negative about him. He's made the last six years incredible. He listens to me, he takes care of me, he puts up with me and my ridiculousness...even when he tells me I'm being ridiculous! He tries to put a smile on my face. He makes my friends his friends. (Have you met my friends?!) He's just perfect. I can't fault the guy. He'll make the next six years incredible. I'll do my best to make the next six years miserable. That way, we'll even each other out! :)

And us together? Six years of silliness, six years of some arguing, six years of cuddling, six years of screaming, six years of love, six years of laughs, six years of questioning, six years of knowing exactly why. Six years of proposing ridiculous theories to one another, three years of WoW. Six years of binking, six years of seeing who will eat the other first, six years of promising that when the Zombies come, we'll be bad ass together or if the other gets bitten, we'll take the other out. Six years of just us trying to fit together, sometimes trying to come apart. Six years of us together.

Funny thing is neither of us know the day. As soon as we could be together, we were. Ha! What dorks!

Who needs to pay for therapy...when you has the internets!

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||| 22% Stability |||||||||||| 42% Orderliness |||||| 30% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 70% Interdependence |||||||||||| 43% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70% Mystical |||||||||||| 43% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious || 10% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||| 76% Materialism |||||| 30% Narcissism |||||| 30% Adventurousness |||||| 30% Work ethic |||||| 23% Humanitarian |||||||||||||| 56% Conflict seeking |||||||||| 36% Need to dominate |||||||||| 36% Romantic || 10% Avoidant |||||||||||| 50% Anti-authority |||||||||| 36% Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||| 30% Change averse |||||||||||||||| 63% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Individuality |||||||||||||| 56% Sexuality |||||| 23% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Family drive || 10% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| % Histrionic || 10% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||| 76% Vanity |||| 16% Honor |||||| 23% Thriftiness |||||||||||| 43%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
introverted, secretive, messy, depressed, does not like leadership, somewhat nihilistic, observer, does not make friends easily, unassertive, feels invisible, feels undesirable, hates large parties, does not like to stand out, leisurely, suspicious, submissive, abstract, unpredictable, intellectual, likes rain, likes the unknown, negative, weird, not a risk taker, unadventurous, avoidant, strange

And when you're feeling open I'll still be here
But not without a certain degree of fear
Of what will be with you and me
I still can see things hopefully

Rolling

What in the ham sammich?!

part of me wishes....i didn't think so much.

being a xxxxxx. then off to bed.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck is a moron. A complete moron brainwashed by ideology and completely unable to form her own opinion.

She's fought corruption. Why not vote for her she's a woman? Right, that's all women care about? (Even though before the clip, she was saying it lowers the woman voter to say they'd just vote for a woman.

Yes a woman who supports a bridge to no where, and has some corruption issues of her own to deal with is just fucking wonderful. Not say that Hilary is a saint...far from it, but she was running for President and we know what she's capable of.


Blah...why do I even care about the View is beyond me!

Farewells...

A 74.XXX.XX.XXX your constant blog hits will surely be missed! At least my new hits from Greece should still be able to help me make some cash off Adsense.

Chocolate Covered Oreos....FOR THE WIN!

Indecision 08

More like Irritation 08. The first presidential election I got to vote in was 04. And I was excited. I thought I'd be able to oust Bush. Everywhere on campus there was this Rush to get everyone registered to vote. Even though I was eh about Kerry, he wasn't Bush. And it'd be cool to have Skeletor as President or the old guy behind every Scooby Doo haunting. Added bonus to not being Bush. That didn't happen. I felt so let down. Completely let down. Midterm elections came. I voted again. Democrats were going to take over the house. I believed Nancy Pelosi when she said they were going to take over and correct things. Suddenly Democrats would grow back their shrunken testicles and do something about this idiot in office. She'd be the first female president of the country too (if they impeached both Cheney and Bush.) That never happened, we're still in Iraq and at that point gas prices only remained low before midterm elections. I thought third time will be the charm. Right? Isn't that the expression. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Do democrats never learn? I didn't like any of the potential democratic nominees. I had to fight with people I know because I'm not an Obamanite which pretty much means you're stupid and you want another four years of Bush.

This will be my third election. And yet again, it's another choice of not between the greatest, but the lessor of two evils. Blah! Then they wonder why the youth is apathetic towards politics!

Words

Andrew sent me an awesome site that I've been playing around with most of the morning and I got to make this:

You can do this to, just go to here and put in a site and stuff.

I think Ruby had an art assignment like this once when she took text design. I thought it was one of the coolest classes she had and definitely an awesome assignment.

Today's Andrew's birthday. Since I won't be around tonight, I woke him up at 2am...or quarter to to give him his present. I was supposed to do it at midnight, but I completely lost track of time watching Season One of The L Word. I bought him I Like You by Sandol Stoddard Warburg. If only because I think the following lines are completely us:

You know how to be silly
That's why I like you
Boy are you ever silly
I never met anybody sillier than me
till I met you
I like you because
You know when it's time to stop being silly
Maybe day after tomorrow
Maybe never
Oops too late
It's quarter post silly

I think he liked it. I'm sure he didn't appreciate being woken up. I never know how to read his responses. I can't tell if he's really happy, or if he's just humoring me. I would have really liked to have gotten that. (Not that I think him getting me Rock Band was a bad idea...cause it was great) But this was cute...and I know he hates birthdays. So it was just something small and cute, and maybe ultimately too girlie and mushy...I don't know. Or maybe he was just tired because I woke him up at 2am? That may have just been it.

I've come to notice that I've become really impatient lately. I'm going down to Wildwood...and the one thing I'm not looking forward to is the drive. I just want to get there! I don't want to sit in traffic for probably 3+ hours just to get there. I just want to get there. When I watch shows on my computer, I find myself scrolling through parts just to get to where I want. Even with movies...I want to fast forward to the end...so I know what happens. I wonder why. Maybe I just need to go somewhere that's slower than here...and just relax. Isn't the middle supposed to be the best part? Isn't the end supposed to be so empty? Bah who knows...maybe I just need a nap. Maybe I'm always rushing...just to go to sleep! :)

Talked to Danny about how I feel. Which got no where and if it did, it was more backwards than forwards. I think he felt like I was accusing him and in turn I then felt like he blew off my feelings. If I came across as accusatory and condescending I didn't intend on doing so. I simply wanted to let him know how I felt and explain why I acted the way I did. I just wanted him to know where I was coming from. Oh well. You can't please all the people all the time right?

Bloggity blog blog. In some instances a modern form of whining...brought on a global scale. Now even you on the other side of the planet can be wise of my own personal melodrama. Making the world a much smaller place.

Yet, it's almost a censored sort of whining. Granted, some people like to be more candid with their posts. I however, like to think that I choose a more vague and cryptic writing style. One that although it addresses some sort of issue, chooses to skirt around all the factors leading up to it. Partly because I like to save face and the other part s because I don't want to deal with what mentioning specifics would bring about.

I've been in a peculiar mood all day. Woke up feeling sticky from the on setting humidity of the day. Along with a slight headache and a killer thirst. I felt gross, I could smell the alcohol off my skin, which I didn't even think I drank enough to warrant that type of response from my body. I went to the bathroom, then convinced my self to drink a bottle of water and return to bed, before I woke the sleeping giant that would become my stomach if I become conscious of how I awful I might really feel. Went back to sleep and woke up much later than I had expected. Headache was practically gone though I woke up even stickier. Made myself some toast, took a shower and spent the day with my sister. Saturday night, I went to the Breakfast Club for god knows what reason. That club does not warrant 15 of my hard earned dollars for entry. Especially when it's 80s mix has gotten pretty eh. It was much better a few years ago. I definitely had a better time the last time I was there. Nor do I plan on going there again for quite a while. Friday night I stayed in and watched the Prestige. No super exciting weekend plans.

I took two showers today to get the gross off of me. It's amazing how cathartic a shower can be and just how ultimately rejuvenating they are. I do some of my best thinking in the shower and I always feel relaxed and different after one. Regardless of my mood, a shower I've noticed can put me in almost the right state of mind. A shower and a mug of green tea works even greater wonders.

Saturday night wasn't as fun as previous nights in the same location, because I spent it around a few people who I know have no genuine interest in me. Why I went is beyond me, I guess my experimental side was intrigued. Granted I still had a good time due in part to the fact that I was with my two comrades and upon my return home, I was treated to an entertaining phone call with Abc. But everyone else...I'm struggling to find the precise words I want to use. I know it wouldn't bother me as much, if it weren't for the fact that one of them used to be someone I considered a good friend for a number of years. And that is the part that's most disheartening. As I've gotten older, it's been easier for me to deal with people not liking me. I don't like most people, I suppose they have the same right to not like me either. But not being liked by someone who's been there for a long time, that's still upsetting. Especially when they just try to save face.

I know if I ever brought it up, I'd be "thinking too much into it" or be told that no one cares. And yet part of me feels like I should've seen this coming a long long time ago.

Nobody can live on a bridge
or plant potatoes
but it is fine for comings and goings,
meetings, partings and long views
and a real connection to someplace else
where you may
in the crazy weathers of struggle
now and again want to be.

It's true, no one can live on a bridge, but it's there I suppose if you need it. Though....




Odd, because for the first time in a long time, I feel utterly alone and without the same bridge for those who'd always have one with me...


Tomorrow begins running and with it I hope a clearer mind. An excuse to focus on my body, and to take a second shower and hopefully with it a chance to shake off this feeling.

We can all assume what I am doing tonight. Though realistically, the Heineken is optional. We are fun even without it...imagine that!

Thems be my plans tonight. If you have my digits, feel free to contact me and ask if you too can partake.

To be of use
by Marge Piercy

The people I love the best
jump into work head first
without dallying in the shallows
and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.
They seem to become natives of that element,
the black sleek heads of seals
bouncing like half submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,
who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,
who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,
who do what has to be done, again and again.

I want to be with people who submerge
in the task, who go into the fields to harvest
and work in a row and pass the bags along,
who stand in the line and haul in their places,
who are not parlor generals and field deserters
but move in a common rhythm
when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The work of the world is common as mud.
Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.
But the thing worth doing well done
has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.
Greek amphoras for wine or oil,
Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums
but you know they were made to be used.
The pitcher cries for water to carry
and a person for work that is real.