You can have anything you want, if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, if you hold that desire with singleness of purpose.

--Abraham Lincoln

I'm terrible when it comes to determination. I give up before the going gets anywhere near being remotely tough. I have a hard time accepting the fact that the first time I attempt something it's not going to be easy and I'm not going to do it perfectly. I used to be too concerned with what people thought about me looking like a fool when I was trying something they were already experts at. I was raised with the notion that when you do something, you do it perfectly. There is no trying, there's just doing. Regardless of how many times you may or may not have done whatever it may be. My father is a perfectionist. Which translated into his daughters being perfect. Not that I necessarily want to place all the blame on him. It's my fault for falling into that idea for so long, I'm a grown woman I should be able to make my own decisions.

I've always known that I lack discipline. Yet my own admission never bothered me. It still hasn't bothered me. What bothers me is that Andrew considers it my greatest flaw. It hits a lot harder when it comes from someone that looks at you the same way Andrew looks at me. I don't like it when someone else says I can't do something. It makes me want to prove them wrong. And I don't like it when Andrew thinks I have a flaw. Although I know it doesn't make him like me any less, it still bothers me. It's still something I should improve.

I'm not as hopeless as I think I am either. I have small examples of where I've proven some sort of dedication. I finish this summer class, which as easy as Spanish 101 is....no class is enjoyable when you work 40 hours a week and go to class for two hours 4 days of week after that. Added with homework and a bunch of the regular house work I've had to do. And, I've stuck around in this relationship for six years and it hasn't always been all roses and smiles. So that's some determination. So I have some somewhere, I just need to tap that source more often.

What's my test to prove this to me? Running. I've gone off again on again with running. It's like a lover I keep returning too. I know things are better with her in my life, but I always let the nonsense take precedence over her. Not this time. Nope, not this time. This time, running is going to be in my life for good. I'm going to make up with running....just like New Balance has been telling me. Why? It's not that I ever think I'll be great. Nor do I particularly care about being great, it's just a goal I've always had for myself. I want to run a marathon, I want to be in a triathlon. Plus, running's pretty cheap to get into. It's not like I need to buy a super awesome bike....sure I have to spend some dough on sneaks...but it's not ridiculous money. In addition to that, I know my body. I'm short, but I'm not gracile like other short girls. It's not that I'm short and large. I'm just of a stockier build. I don't think I was meant to sit around and be "cute." I was an active little kid. I liked getting dirty, I liked playing rough, I always played with the boys. So what's my goal....my goal is to reach the third week and that ninth run. I've read at Runner's World that the ninth run is the make or break point. I've given up at that point and before tha tpoint. But this time, I'm going to destroy that point. It'll be behind me as a milestone! I'm going to keep running, I'm going to finish my first marathon and when I make it to the finish line, Andrew will be there waiting for me...just so he can hear me say, "I told you so." Which I know he'll accept with big smiles.

I've been motivated all week. I've read articles, prepared motivation ideas in my head and I'll finalize them all on my day off tomorrow. The running starts next week. And I believe I'm going to start blogging about how I feel each day. Hopefully on the 6th of September, I'll be able to tell you that I feel great!