You Fit Into Me

You fit into me
like a hook into an eye
a fish hook
an open eye

—	Margaret Atwood

Line of the night:

i am truly insane. here's the post leni, stop bitching

Hard Copy Betrayal.

I'm not one to read text on the computer. I prefer to kill trees and pollute the earth. There's just something magical about holding a book, a journal, a magazine in your hand that staring at a computer screen version of the same text will never be able to capture. As of late though, I must admit, I have been secretly admiring this little number . Specifically that one, not this one.  I don't know what it is, maybe it's the ability to have a book in seconds, or the power to carry 10 books with them feeling like just one.

Look at these features:

• nook's easy-to-read E Ink® display is more like a traditional book than a computer screen. With no glare or backlight, and adjustable text size, you can read comfortably for hours.
• With 2GB of memory, nook stores up to 1,500 books, newspapers and magazines. Need even more space? Just add a memory card for storage of up to 17,500. An entire library light enough to take with you everywhere, so you'll never be without your favorites.

It even plays AUDIO.  It's a library and media center all in one pretty little package. 

Yeah go ahead and say "Hey Leni, don't you have a netbook? Can't you just buy ebooks? That thing is a small computer, the nook is just an ipod for books!" I don't care for your criticisms.  The gadget fetishist in me is oogling at that lil' puppy while your words are coming into my hears as just noise instead of voice of reason. 

What would really happen if I got one? I'd use it for at most the first two months until I felt ripped off at not "owning" the book.  Sure, I paid for it, I downloaded it, I can theorectically read it whenever I want. (Who knows if BN will do the ridiculous pull of an already paid for book like Amazon did with 1984) But $9.99 and I don't get to physically touch the cover, dog ear the pages and make ridiculous notes that I promise I'll return to, but leave there for another person to discover? I'll protest and go down to Highland Park Library and take the book I want out for free and thus go back to my paper and hardback booklove.

It's still nice to dream though.

I have a number of short stories to write, an even larger number of art projects to complete and plenty of books to read and even a pesky test for which to study. Sadly I'm lacking the desire to finish/begin any of them!

I don't have a lot of regrets. The few that I do have usually have to do with not using time wisely. (Why didn't I go to Greece then? Why didn't I study for that test earlier?) However some days I get a reminder of my past discretions that makes me think "Why the hell did I do that?" I had that today, followed by a groan and after further inspection a severe nod of my head at my former self.

I Heart Fags

This is my poorly written article for the day on two opinions!  

Sometimes, the Targum op/ed letters ARE good! But now I'm conflicted.  Reading the article in the actual Targum, I felt as if Abe were right. It made me think of the end of Merlin., the made for TV Mini Series with the guy from Jurassic Park. (I'm too lazy to IMDB his name) They defeated the villain by ignoring her, because that's how she lost power. If you stop giving people an audience they should certainly crawl back to the hole they came from and spew their own rhetoric amongst themselves. Your mother might be right, if you ignore the bully he will go away.  This kid might be on to something! Plus I liked his quote, brownie points to you sir.

But then scroll below and read  Jaime's input! Firstly, tip of the hat for concocting a well written argument. (As far as the Internet is concerned!) You stated your opinion well and didnt' even call the other person a name.  Or even tell us that you were first! YAY! Wag of the finger however for having a good argument! Ha ha ha! I feel that she's partially correct.  Today you really can't ignore the bully.  You have to go in there and duke it out because let's face it, the centurists never win.  You have to become all crazy extreme like them in order to have your rational normal voice heard...even on such regular issues as actually respecting other people and not being a hate monger. 


Although this was a great unrelated comment: 

we should have a dance party that totally surrounds/ blocks their protest from being viewed from the street so they can't spread their message to anyone. rick roll them, have a pro-love anti-hate bake sale, anything to drown them out. we should start a facebook group or something

Well I found the perfect song:  I Heart Fags by Mc Frontalot :)

Weekend Wrap Up With Wordle

I've given up all pretense of being a programmer. 8 years of college got me nothing but $90,000 in loans to repay. I have to suck it up and accept that I'm not what I'm not. I've a nice, safe job w/ good health insurance and that's good enough for me.

via Lord Omlette

Pretenses such as those terrify me.  I'm scared that I'll one day come to the same conclusion and I don't want to.  It's a door I try hard to run from, but fear is the closest one to me.

This bit from The World According to Garp always reminded me of myself.

She may have had a pretty voice but she couldn't complete anything [. . . ] She could say everything beautifully, but --as Garp remarked to Helen, when he was finally exasperated with Alice--she couldn't get to the end of anything. She couldn't thtop
Unlike Alice, Garp was a real writer--not because he wrote more beautifully than she wrote but because he knew that every artist should know: as Garp put it: 'You only grow by coming to the end of something and by beginning something else.' Even if these so called endings and beginnings are illusions.

I always see myself as Alice, I can never thtop*. I never work with the idea of completion in my mind. I always fear that it sets me back.
*I not poking fun of people with lisps, but if you've read the book you'd know that Alice speaks with a lisp, so I'm keeping with the story.

All the World's a Stage...

I last left you folks with promises of being more open, more public, and more available, only to have acted in quite the opposite manner. Rather than becoming an open book for you, it would seem that I have taken cover.  The biggest factor in my disappearance, I haven’t been in the mood to write.  Actually I have, but either I hated almost everything I wrote or I didn’t feel it merited the time being typed.  (Yes, I still pen and paper things, it’s my preferred method!)
            Aside from those excuses, I’m quite terrible at being open.  Not only that, but I find that more and more, I detest the audience.  Contrary to what the once pink hair might have shouted from a distance, I dislike attention.  Ok, it’s more like I  am horrified of the audience.  Attention, from an audience?!  What a loathsome and horrendous concept!  An audience, full of individuals all with their own thoughts and opinions, some at all shy about making their ideas known, even at the expense of the protagonists feelings! Wretched and terrifying indeed, and that is to say the least! 

            This disdain for the public seems rather recent. Years go I was utterly unmoved by the audience.  I lcared little for what they thought of me, my writing, my looks, my ideas!  I naively thought such things as “Who were they to judge?” or even “So what? Who cares what they think? Who are they?!”  Back then, I would write freely, for hours, I would draw, I would dress in colors that were never destined to be together and prints that should surely never meet.  “Let them give me their opinions, I’ll be sure to give them mine back!” I said to myself if I saw an disapproving eye or heard a snide remark.

            Time changes things, or so the cliché says! How true! Now I’m so petrified of the audience that they exist with their opinions even in my most private of places.  Simple things such as choosing a word lead me to question why I chose that word,  to eventually such thoughts of my sentence structure, and the strength of the sentence itself.  To the lines on a picture being straight, to it being good enough, even if no one will ever see it! The thought of what other people will think comes into my head immediately after an idea has been conceived in my mind and instantaneously aborts the production. This pseudo audience is critical and expects nothing but the very best out of me at that exact moment. The idea should be golden from the beginning, otherwise, why even bother having the idea!  This scrutiny causes me to second guess myself, triple guess myself, quadruple guess myself till I get to the point where all I want to do is give up, because I know I’ll never make it out alive.

            This evening, I was clearing out some old paperwork. I came across a recommendation letter for my undergraduate NYU application from Frau Boghossian, my old German teacher and possibly one of those most influential teachers in my life.  I had Frau B (as we affectionately referred to her) from 7^th grade to my senior year of High School, if there were a VIP section to my own audience; she was definitely there, in the balcony as I gave my small performances.  Reading this letter, I question who this Eleni she discusses is.  Surely this younger gal and I cannot be the same person.  Frau writes such things as “Eleni is an individual in the true sense of the word.  Whether it is blue hair or her opinion on American foreign policy, she is not afraid to express her views, which she usually supports with good solid arguments” and “Eleni is enthusiastic and eager to learn, and every learning experience seems to open a new door to her, which she investigates and explores.”  Is that even me anymore?   Perhaps it was me.   Perhaps this younger me would have been more adept at finding what I think is “me”, the one I find myself constantly losing!  Perhaps when I was younger, I was just better at faking it, or I had no reason to know otherwise, I hadn’t yet been disillusioned.  Perhaps this persona that I once exuded is a part of me but I just can’t seem to hold on to it.  After all it was my fear of the audience that kept me from ever mailing in the application for NYU.  I couldn’t think of a thing to write and I was too afraid to read their critique.  

Part of my new plan is to make myself more public.  Not in the sense that I'm going to open up myself to the world and unleash a slew of issues better saved for a couch and a guy who charges me per hour for such a bearing only for him to conclude that my parents messed me up eternally.  No, unless I do take up such a service. I think it'd make for excellent blogging, but let's see if I ever have the audacity to bear myself to a trained professional, when I have a hard enough time bearing myself to the people constantly around me.  That's another topic for another day.

What I meant was that I was going to start posting up some of my blurbs or stories, some more personal writing, some stuff that I'm slightly embarrassed to show to the world, because I'm afraid of being critiqued in a certain way.  But part of it is being laughed at isn't it?  Someone's always going to find someone else funny, and terrible. But maybe someone else out there will love it.  Even if it's just one little individual.

Has a lot on her mind.

5 more class till I'm done. Amazed it's so few and yet it still feels like so many. Changes to come after that, since I'll have time....to revert back to my antics

I want to paint more, craft more, write more. Part of me can't wait till this class is over, just so I can have more time.

I'm going to be dead tomorrow.

Fundamental Change 1. I got a tumblr account. No blogger, you don't have to see me go, but somethings are easier there then on here. I'll figure out a way to combine to two as soon as I can. Now I need to get some sleep. Expect long posts on anything and everything!

I love being quoted on another blog! I say some silly shit!

I have a ridiculous amount of updating to do. Expect long posts. Expect major changes.

I promise promise promise to have this all fan-fucking-tastic as soon as I finish up with this class!

Chh--chh-chhanges.

I think it's time I brought some change to this site and actually stuck with it. Actually, change seems to be the name of the game lately. But can I stick with it and follow through, that's the question.

I've come up with some ideas on how I want to change my blog. First, I think I want to get my own domain name. Although I do like free aspect of blogger, I'll look into how I can customize it to the way I want.

But this is sort of a waste of cyberspace. (If there is such a thing.) Part of me wants to change that. While still keeping this still personal at times. And I do like posting pictures of cool things that I see.

So stick around things will be a lil ugly for a while, things will be a little wack, but hopefully in the end it'll all come out great.

Multimedia message

Testing!

What I would do without some people, I just don't know!

I blogged on the third?! It feels like it's been ages since I last wrote anything. I have some ideas floating around. But right now I have to go get a pop tart and finishing reading about phonology while I crap away the rest of my lunch and talk to people on meebo.

Expect an update hopefully at the end of this week or middle of next.

Mobbing. And if it continues to happen, I will do something about it. I'm not some passive player and I'm not afraid, especially when you've got nothing but malice to show! So bite me. That's all I want to say, bite me. Let me do my job, the way all us 20somethings do my job and get over your napoleon complex. You're not a king or a dictator, and your true colors are showing.

However, if they were plunged into a nightmarish world of flying snakes,they would not have the capacity to alert their brethren to the exact nature of the threat.

That's a line from my Linguistics homework...nightmarish indeed! But what about snakes on a motherfrenching plane? Then those are technically flying snakes huh?

Thanks folks...I'm here all week!

At the Harrison St. Bus stop there's some graffiti, but it's not normal graffiti...it's a drawing of a molecule

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This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

Techdirt brings up an interesting point.

Think about it, if a woman who made a fake myspace persona can be held under charges of hacking, why can't these police officers? Are they actually safe under the auspices of "undercover" work?

Also, while we're at it, let's start fining people for humming. That is after all copyright infringement!

I write things..and then I make suckers on the internet read it.

I write, a lot actually. More so than I blog and now more so than I journal.  For the most part, my scribblings suck. It's not written well and it's always half finished.  It's hard for me to keep a coherent story line in my head when I'm always bombarded by different thoughts.  Part of the reason why I'm typing everything up is because I hope it'll help me keep better track of things, plus it's easier to move text on a computer than it is to move it on paper.  

I'm going to start posting SOME of my work on my blog.  Let me know what you think.  Feedback is greatly appreciated.  Thanks. 

---

If you could only, if you could only slow down for a couple of minutes, for a few seconds. Just so that I had time to catch what you were saying. I've known you or so long and yet I still haven't gotten caught up to your speed of things. I still aren't fast enough.

Speak up one at a time. It's hard to listen to who is most important. One voice panicking, another stupidly singing along, and you—you with all the answers, although none of them most likely right, muffled, muted and just a second or two too fast for me to catch up. And what I am, what I am used to is left in the dust, having caught only a few fragmentary sentences that make no sense. Left in a confused state, where I'll try to piece together all I was able to catch into something not coherent and something which I'll ultimately abhor—and you'll be gone.

Just stop running. Just give me a second to mesh with you. To see who I should be instead of always leaving me behind. Just, just wait.  

I am not entirely sure what to write.  It's sort of like reminiscing, but not...I suppose because I wasn't around to live in those days.  Nor is anything that I am going to say be of any merit.  I must forewarn you, this will be a ramble at best.  

 

I suppose my questioning is "What happened?"Forty years ago, the youth in this country were extremely active.  Politically.  They didn't like something they took the the streets.  They rallied together, they brought forth change.  That was at a time when no one had cell phones, there weren't any blogs, there weren't ways to get information as quickly as easily as you can today.  No one twittered "Rally at the SAC 4pm." and masses would show up. (Which you can use to do!) But now, now our rights are being stepped upon and all we did was rally behind a presidential candidate who, is far better than what he had, but by no means the solution and sit back and shut up now that it's over.  Which it's most certainly is not, not by a long shot. 

Growing up, I loved history.  Infact I still love history, I just never full appreciated US History (with the exception of 8th grade, because Mr. Otlowski, you are a wonderful history teacher and you actually made it exciting, fun and relevant!) until I grew up and realized the importance of such paperwork as the Declaration of Indepence and the US Constitution.  These rights ladies and gentlemen, the liberties you have, these freedoms, well they get trampled on, you just don't notice it because it's under the veil of, well there's terrorists or it doesn't affect me.  But once one group of people gets their rights trampled on,  it's just as easy to have your rights trampled on and by the time they're coming for you.  It's already too late.  You might think what do I have to lose, if I've got nothing to hide then who cares who is listening, then who cares what is happening to the guy down the street and so on and so forth.  But the thing is, it does matter who is listening, because they shouldn't be listening, even if you are just talking to your friend about the delicious sandwich you just had.  

Shit's in a mess, you need to open up your ears and clean out your eyes and when you do, well of course there will be fancy little shirts, buttons, bumper stickers and of course all wonderful animated gifs for you to bombard your shitastically coded myspace pages and you'll feel like you're doing something, because really what can you do? Your dissent is commodified and even if it's not your dissent you own up to it because it's the cool thing to do.  Aye aye aye.  It sucks feeling trapped.  

They used to say you couldn't trust anyone over 30, now I feel like you can't depend on anyone under 30 to know what the fuck is going on. 

This turned into a ramble.  One which I'll falsely promise to revisit and edit.  I promise. But it's time for sleep and my head is a mess.  Good night. 

Another Day, Another Ramble.

Blogging from bed is pretty nice. It has it's perks I'll tell you that.  Especially when your beloved reupholstered computer chair isn't aging too delicately and you hold on to it for sheer love of the fabric than the chair itself.   Perhaps when I get some extra money I'll splure on a new chair...and of course some new fabric! 

I wrote quite a bit last night and part of me is done trying to compose some sort of story together.  I have an rough idea in mind, I figure the rest will just naturally fall into place from everything I have written.  So why not just keep at it and keep at it until all of the pieces do fit together? 

I'm slowly starting to figure things out.  I don't want to spend my life writing "updated through..." that would depress me immensely and that is exactly what I started flipping out about yesterday. But I think I have somewhere to go now.  I'll figure something out. 

I printed out Little Brother today.  I'm going to start reading that. 

This entry was pointless, but isn't everything?

Don't talk to me like I'm five:

This is a tilde : ~. The squiggle used in websites. It has a hundred other uses.

This ≈ is an approximation.

I know what the hell I'm doing, maybe you should learn not to talk down to people.

Because federal money really needs to be spent on this:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/8032720.stm

Really?! All this over a titty that passed in the blink of an eye! Terrific!

Via Cory Doctorow and probably one of the best blurbs I've ever read: 

Transparency on its own is nothing more than spectacle: it's just another season of Big Brother in which all the contestants are revealed, over and over again, as thugs. Transparency on its own robs as much hope as it delivers, because transparency without justice is a perennial reminder that the game is rigged and that those in power govern for power's sake, not for justice.

Links of Note 4.29.2009

http://www.nybooks.com/articles/22656

http://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2009/04/obamas-transparency-

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/banksandfinance/5137489/Goldman-Sachs-hires-law-firm-to-shut-bloggers-site.html

http://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2009/04/jewel-v-nsa-roundup-media-obamas-position

http://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2009/04/boston-college-prompt-commands-are-suspicious

http://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2009/04/cybersecurity-act

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/7962631.stm

http://www.freedomhouse.org/template.cfm?page=383&report=79&group=19

This is Just to Say

I hate being bs'ed to. I also dislike being cornered and attacked at early hours in the morning. Thems be my two cents!

Getting into a shape....that's not round.

Running in the rain is one of my favorite things. Ran in the rain yesterday and did a might good job. I'm more excited about this now than ever. I just hope I can keep up my motivation...which I think I can...if I keep looking at this picture I took of myself last night. GROSS! But I suppose facing reality is one of the best ways to commit to something. I hate the way I look and it's not that I want to look like a model. (I'm 4'10, that's never going to happen!) It's just that I'm rolly polly. I knew I was bad, but hot damn I didn't know I was THAT bad. In case you're wondering what the picture is actually for, I'm planning on taking one a day. (Actually two...one from the from and one from the side.) I'm going to do it for a year and then put together a slideshow so I can see my progress. You guys will get to see my progress too. I might actually do a monthly update just for kicks. (And to test the program that I'm planning on using)

I feel good about this bout. August-October proved to me that I had it in me. And granted I had Maria's wedding and that tight dress as added motivation, but I'm not entirely sure if I care about how awesome I look. Sure, vanity is one of my motivations, but it's not the biggest one nor does it have priority. It's just an added perk. It's just that, when I run, when I work out, I feel so powerful. Each step, each minute that passes, each star that I add to the calendar, each moment I get closer to doing one pull up....I just feel myself being that much closer to being the person I want to be.

I'm really glad I have Andrew along for the ride too. His experience as a distance swimmer helps so much not to mention his attitude and his confidence in me that I can do it. I like asking him about his swimming days and how he pushed himself through countless practices and racing a 500. His just do it attitude amazes me. He's just so good at doing something. He honestly doesn't have excuses and I hope to pick that up from him. This is going to lead to sappiness because a big part of the reason why I'm still with Andrew, why I love Andrew is because of his personality and just his outlook on things. With the exception of my sister, I've never met anyone that I wanted to be so much like until I met him. He definitely knows something I don't, but I think I'm learning it very very slowly. Ok, that was enough of that moment.

I'm excited, I think I've reached an important milestone in my outlook. Let's hope I can keep the motivation up!

Reasons Being Short Sometimes Stinks

Those are PERFECTION! Only they have a 34 Inch inseam! DARN IT!

I Just Have One Thing to Say

Questionnaires

Q: What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
I've never actually given this any thought nor am I a big fan of superlatives, nothing is ever the ultimate in my opinion. However, I'd have to say that never being able to see my sister again, that would be miserable.

Q: Where would you like to live?
Anywhere near my friends, family and the ocean. I couldn't live blocked off from the sea.

Q: What is your idea of earthly happiness?
Good friends, good food, good drinks and tons of laughter.

Q: To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
My lack of will power and my ability to be easily distracted.

Q: Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?
Zorba and Odysseus.

Q: Who are your favorite characters in history?
Marie Antoinette, not because she was a nice person, but because she was audacious. I'm a big fan of ballsy women.

Q: Who are your favorite heroines in real life?
My sister for her selflessness.

Q: Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
Tess of the D'ubervilles, Harriet from Harriet the Spy.

Q: Your favorite painter?
Ed Hopper, Gustav Klimt and the obligatory Van Gogh.

Q: Your favorite musician?
Damien Rice, Pyx-Lax, Cake

Q: The quality you most admire in a man?
Sincerity, a good heart and a sense of humor.

Q: The quality you most admire in a woman?
The same as above. I don't think gender makes a big impact when it comes to being a good person.

Q: Your favorite virtue?
Understanding.

Q: Your favorite occupation?
I envy Art and Gym teachers. Ultimately the best occupation though is one that fulfills you.

Q: Who would you have liked to be?
I wouldn't want to be anyone but myself.

Q: Your most marked characteristic?
I'm quite silly.

Q: What do you most value in your friends?
Their understanding and humor.

Q: What is your principle defect?
My desire to do it all and my lack of will power to accomplish any of it!

Q: What would you like to be?
Ultimately, just happy.

Q: What is your favorite color?
It changes daily, but I'll always like black and blue. Like a bruise!

Q: What is your favorite flower?
Lilies, of all sorts.

Q: What is your favorite bird?
Crows.

Q: Who are your favorite prose writers?
Kazantzakis, Kundera, John Irving.

Q: Who are your favorite poets?
Edna St. Vincent Millay, Marge Piercy,

Q: What are your favorite names?
Mythological names and my parents' names actually.

Q: What is it you most dislike?
Selfishness and materialism and general lack of concern for others.

Q: What historical figures do you most despise?
Hmmm, I'd have to get back to you on that.

Q: What event in military history do you most admire?
I don't think I admire any military history!

Q: What natural gift would you most like to possess?
I'd like to be able to draw better and have a much better way with words.

Q: How would you like to die?
In my sleep.

Q: What is your present state of mind?
Bothered by my inability to come up with good answers and bloated. Along with guilty for eating two doughnuts.

Q: What is your motto?
"We come from a dark abyss, we end in a dark abyss, and we call the luminous interval life." Only because it's much more poetic than my "enjoy the moment."

During my lunch break and other free time I have, I like to scour Craigslist. Why? I don't know. I don't even need anything, but the need to know what's out there intrigues me. I'm obsessed and I blame Ruthy. What do I actually look for on the site though? The furniture is my favorite. I love seeing what crap people are trying to sell and what language they use to describe it. I figured I should share my love with the rest of you. So starting now, I'll start listing my personal favorites!

Today's Links

To be updated as time goes on.


http://www.newsweek.com/id/189763/?gt1=43002

Three Libras

This isn't directed entirely to one person, but rather a number of people and at the same time directed at no one. A rant at it's finest, with some forms of truth in it.


Lately, I've gotten a lot of questions from former friends about where our friendship has gone. What was the cause for this leafless tree in my peopled forest? What was this wintry wind? I have yet to give an answer. Why? I'd like to say there are a myriad of reasons, but quite honestly there are only a small few to explain why a part of me has not passed away from my shrinking forest. One, I haven't sat down and actually thought about it. I haven't sat down to come up with the words. I haven't given it a serious thought until now, where I feel like it's easier to post my blogs. The other reason is because part of me doesn't want to. After this long, after I've put myself out there and umpteen number of times only to be turned away? After I've done all this fighting to save something that you made me think was meaningless to you? I felt like you showed me where I belonged. Your actions mixed in with your bullshit excuses and/or your pathetic lies let me know exactly where I stood. Yet, I sat there, listening to the meaningless drivel spewing forth from your face and coming up with excuses for how you were in order to keep that small tree alive. To save the "friendship" I thought we had. And to come at me now, to come to me after so long and wonder what went wrong and how we could fix it. It's just, it's a little too late. Don't make me sing it like JoJo.

Don't come to me now and ask me what we could do about us being friends. You know what you could've done, you could've not placed me on the back burner. You could've stepped up for me a few times, you could've decided not to make the choice among friends. You could've stopped giving me bullshit lines, you could've been honest with me. "It wasn't my place to invite you." "I'm busy" "I didn't feel like talking to myself" The former president was more believable with his Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq idea. Not only are you insulting the friendship you're insulting me directly. You honestly think I am THAT stupid?! Gee, thanks! No I wouldn't see the plastered photos on social networking sites or OH GOODNESS your away message! Talk about a slap in the face. It's one thing to lie to some one. Everyone does it, that's not the issue, the issue is that you did it so blatantly!

More importantly however, I simply don't care anymore. It's not worth my time, I've put in enough effort. I've over the heartache. I'm on the acceptance phase of the grief and quite honestly, I've never been happier. It's as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, the cage has been opened and I am free. Perhaps it was best that that tree has gone on to become leafless. Because around it, better ones have sprouted. No more liars, no more straining to impress, no more needing to put ridiculous amounts of effort for zero return. So go ahead, stay on your course. Keep your new friends, let my tree become as leafless dead and bare as yours has. Eventually it'll fall completely away and something great will come if it. And though I've said I'd always be here, I'm not longer sure if I want to any longer. No one can live on a bridge, or plant potatoes-- this is true, but I am no longer sure if it is good anymore for comings and goings, and at least for me, it's no longer someplace where I'd like to be.

So Many Things To Do!

I haven't updated in ages. But has there been anything blog worthy happening in my life? Not really. I have much to do. The running/working out continues. And after my trip to Boston, I might need to seriously step it up this week. (I ate terribly and I feel like a whale! Or like this lil chickie
Yuck. I have to come up with a new plan. One that involves more sleep for now so I can wake up earlier and work out 2x a day. Let's get on that! I seriously need to step it on and watch how much I eat, what I eat, etc. I might be Special K-ing it for a while! I am going to lose 5lbs by the end the end of April. I don't care how much non eating it takes.

Finally caught up on Supernatural. Sad sad day. Now I have to wait for new episodes. I don't know if I can! It's also getting a bit too serious for me. Just a tad. I need more silliness! I'm sure it'll be back, but you know a show can't be all silly...it needs a main story line!

GRE study front has resulted in epic fail. I'm just not doing it. I'm also not keeping up with my reading. I have these new set goals and I'm not accomplishing any of them! (Except for working out...but I'm only doing that 3x a week!) How many calendars with gold stars can a girl have?! My entire apartment will be nothing but accomplishment boards! Ha ha ha!

Speaking of my apartment, the place is in such a disarray. You wouldn't know it by looking at it, but things are a mess. I want to take a week off in April (probably Holy Week Orthodox Style) to get it together. Nothing like Spring Cleaning for Zombie Jesus Day! I think I am also going to use that week to spice up my Wardrobe. I've been in the mood to change things up. I look like a shmuck. It's time for me to get hot. A bigger change will come again in June. We'll see, it depends on how much weight I lose and how much I want to go shopping.

Charsi cat was in heat again. That slut. I wake up with her ass in my face. I mean I'm all for the ladies, but I stick to my species lil kitty. I feel so bad for her, so I just pet her cute lil face. She should be getting snipped in two weeks anywho. So the cute lil meow exchanges will be done with :(. Yep, my kitty doesn't howl like a banshee when she wants it. She meows all super cute and she'll respond to your meow! I love it! She was pissed when we were gone this weekend. She was very schizo last night and would want to attack and cuddle. Punishment for leaving her! She also followed us everywhere we went. (Signs that she missed us!)

Boston was pretty cool. It's odd, I hate the City, but then I dislike every other US city I've been too for what seems like to me, trying too hard to be the city. I mean there's nothing wrong with Boston, but it has this Little Town/Big City feel and it doesn't really work. It's fun, but it's no New York! A good thing about it not being New York though is that the town actually has deals. We went to a free Brewery Tasting! Harpoon Beer. Their Celtic Ale was delicious! The Cider was good too. That was pretty much all I liked. Everything else was meh. Some (ie the Leviathan) was terrible. That's what ass tastes like. Don't be fooled by the 11.75% alcohol. (Which, honestly if you're going to want to get hammered, get a mixed drink!)
Tastey!


Gross!


And to finish it off with an awesome:


Can you really go wrong with half priced burgers and $6 22ounce drafts? No you can't! That's a meal for $8! (The burgers are normally $5-$6 and yes, they are full sized burgers)That I enjoyed!


Other important tidbits of my trip:
Went to a flea market and saw a bunch of freaky ass paintings. I'll post them up back home. Give me a moment.

The Cape, that was cool. It wasn't wellflette and normally I used to go all over the cape, but that's when I'd visit my cousins in the summer. This was a day. And Kelly's sisters are funny so it was a good time. Got a really cheap sweater, made my day! We also hung out by a camp fire for the rest of the night. I love fire! Andrew and I discussed camping. Can't wait! Real camping too, not fake camping!

Saw Athena and Charlie and Donna for a bit before we split back to the dirty Jerz. Athena is silly and Charlie and Donna, well, they're Charlie and Donna. You can't describe them, you have to meet them! Althought I did discover that my mom calls everyone to gloat. It's not just me! Ha ha ha! All in all it was a good weekend.

The 3.13 front.
Had a pretty good birthday. Nothing insane, those festivities (although I hope not too insane) will partake this weekend, when Ruthless and I celebrate our Quarter Century of Awesomeness together. But for a low key thing it was fun. At work the day before (I took off because working on your birthday is a WACK ATTACK!) they had banners for me and treats. It was so cool. My office makes me feel loved. Went to SYF with the Greeks. Hung out with Peter and Drew till Midnight and got wished a Happy Birthday. Went home and watched an episode of Supernatural. The next day woke up late accomplished some errands. Ruthy came over, she got me Fusion Frenzy and an awesome bag. Played some Fusion Frenzy. Showered got dressed went to my grandparents. Went to SYF with Ruthy, Abe, Maria, Jay, Drewface and Abe. Went back to my apartment got Rugi played video games for a bit. It was just perfect I think. It felt good to turn 25, it's the new 21! Ha ha ha!


Well that just accomplished one task off my to do list. In case you were curious as to what it was here it is:
Laundry
Workout
Blog
Spice up wardrobe
Figure out schedule for things
Study for GRE
Clean Living Room
Write to Pen Pals
Respond to People who need responses
Work on Paintings
Work on other craft projects
Clean closets.
Budget
Plan Easter Menu

AIM Conversation of the Day

[15:49] Me: i dunno dude
[15:49] Me: it's fucking stupid
[15:49] Me: why do people care so much!
[15:50] Abc: haha idk
[15:50] Me: I wonder why people get rid of me
[15:50] Abc: haha what! i cant imagine that
[15:50] me: i don't fucking pester them about it!
[15:51] Abc: true they shud just put you in thier pockets!
[15:51] me: ahahaha
[15:51] Abc: haha
[15:51] me: like lose change!
[15:51] Abc: haha

Working out: Two weeks each of them with three gold stars! Yay! Although, I think I threw away my February calendar. There goes that accomplishment. :(. The snow put a damper into the running because well, there's ice everywhere now! I'm thinking maybe Andrew and I should hit up the track at Highland Park High School or Buccleuch Park. The workout we're on is my most hated run of them all. I failed this last time. There's just something about 4min run 1 min walk intervals that my body does not like. Maybe it's the number 4, I'm more of a 3 girl. I just lose energy and I don't eat anything at the end of the day. So I go from sitting on my ass for most of the day, to expelling energy, with no energy to expell. Next week, will be a full week of running (hopefully) and I am going to start recording everything I eat. I have to make it a point to eat something jam packed with energy two hours before I run and then drink something a lil bit before I run. Otherwise, this whole thing will never work. On a plus side, I am getting some feedback. I recorded various measurements last night and I've actually lost a lil bit. An inch up top, half an inch in the middle...not so bad. I won't get to my goal weight until July according to Calorie Count. Realistically though, I could careless about the weight, I'm more concerned with how it looks. I always said I wouldn't mind if I weight what I weighted now, if more of it was muscle. I've been doing the same stuff lately, but I think I'll keep my workouts at a month's rotation, so next week begins something else!


I had more to say, but then I started going through stuff on Women's Health and lost all track of time and any other thought process. Blech. Oh wells!

Impossible IQ Question

This offensive image came up on a Facebook ad for an IQ test, with the following question: How many eyes in the above image? Most People get this question wrong. Try to beat today's high score.

It's not offensive because it's a fat asian baby. Those cheeks are in fact quite pinch-able. What's offensive about it is that it made my own eyes melt out of my head and roll down my cheeks. That was after having a starting contest with the damned thing...because it eyes SUCKED me in. Horrible.

Review

Running: Back at it again and actually going into it as a champ. A fourth grade playground champion, but I'll take my victories when I can. I guess it's different now, I KNOW I can do it. Although yesterday was a different story. Physically I felt like I could do it, but mentally, I just wasn't there and realistically, everything is a mental battle. I lasted through 2.5 reps and then called it quits. I was simply too tired. We'll see how today fares! I still completed my workout when I got home, so I still get a gold star! That's three for this week so far!

Andrew: I never knew Andrew to be a social awareness kinda guy. Not that I ever thought he didn't care, it's just I always felt like his mind was elsewhere...until you have him going on copyright law. The boy loves the copyright debate LOVES it. And he has a very adamant stance on it. I have to admit, I love it. I love the boy's convictions and principles.

This post: Should be much better, but I'm at work and tired and not really in the mood to blog. I'm in the mood to write, (in my journal or on a sheet of paper that will eventually become my journal) but lately writing has done nothing but make me fall asleep.

My goals for this year: Have been sitting flat, with the exception of working out! I need to get back on the good horse and ride my way into my fantastical sunset of awesomeness.

Tis all for now.

Out of all the muscles in my body....

you would think that after a year+ of solid walking 2miles a day, mixed in with a mild running program at some point, my calves would not be what hurts me the most. Though, here I am with such tight calves that merely flexing them brings me pain. It's annoying. Annoying because I don't want it to stop me from running tonight, the same way it stopped me from walking this morning. A run and a bath seem in order for tonight.

I'm super nervous. I have a theory that nothing good ever comes certified mail...and last night we got a notice about getting something certified mail, but no one was home to receive it. This naturally makes my mind spark up ideas of eviction, lay offs, any sort of bad news you can imagine...all in one letter. Blech I hate it. I hate my paranoia.

I'm way too excited for...

• the options of classes I have for the summer.
  
• the package I'm getting tomorrow.
  
• the lecture on Australopithecus afarensis tomorrow.
• working on HCA stuff this weekend
• lowering my debt
• getting done with the P files for work on Friday
• dinner at Maria's Saturday
• Street Fighter IV Tournament
  
  and most importantly.......

• Running & working out. A bit too excited about it. Kid on Christmas excited! It's not even the losing weight aspect that has me excited. It's the proving to myself that I can do this and seeing how far my body can go. I feel that if I can commit myself to running and working out, I can do anything else I put my mind to. Why? Because honestly, running sucks. Working out sucks. Being sore sucks. The temptation to sit down and not physically exert myself is too great, but if I can get out of my comfort zone and prove to myself that I can do this, then anything else should be cake. It's a challenge and each day that I do run or work out, is a small victory for me. Sure, I'm not saying oh no, I don't want the hottness that comes with it. I honestly can't wait to see my body morph into what I've always felt it should be, but that's really a secondary reward. The first reward is that feeling of accomplishment and for me, that's the runner's high, that's the workout high. Now that my muscles are sore and when I schlep myself to work because my calves are too sore, it's a reminder of my accomplishment. I feel that all this is a big step in helping me break down the wall between who I am know and who I know I can be. I can't wait till I can run for 16 minutes straight again, I can't wait till I can run for 30 minutes straight, I can't wait till I finish my first race, my first marathon, my first triathlon. I can't wait till I can do pullups again, till I can just be completely fit. Along with getting my PhD, I think that has to be one of my biggest life goals and if I can do that, the first one should definitely be cake. School was always easy for me, this is much more difficult.

So that's three gold stars for me this week! Let's put them on the board folks!

If your ex REALLY needed you at 3 am, would you go to his/her house?
What the hell would you need me for at 3am? And I don't think he'd call me anywhos. I don't even know where his house is!

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
When is the last time I didn't want to punch someone in their face? That would be a better question.

What is the last thing you spent money on?
Coffee, I shouldn't....but I can't help it. And honestly DnD coffee bites.

What was the last thing you cried about?
I cry everytime I think about how awesome I am.

Could you go a day without eating?
I have, I get migraines.

When was the last time you talked to your number 2 in person?
Who the eff is my number two. Erica? Andrew? I dunno.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a E?
Nope, I don't believe in same Alphabet kissing. Ha ha, kidding! But no I haven't.

Do you smoke weed regularly?
Nope not even irregularly.

Has anyone ever told you they're in love with you?
Yeah, just about everyone I know...because who DOESN'T love me?

Do you believe in true love?
Yeah in a weird messed up sense of the word love.


When was the last time you were disappointed?
Last night. Stupid Steelers.

Are you playing hard to get right now?
Yeah, I like to spice up my 6 year relationship from time to time.

Do you miss your past?
I miss being a kid, but who doesn't?


What are you doing tonight?
Laundry seems appropriate, but who knows if I'll ever actually do that! I'm lazy.

Honestly, if you could go back 5 months and change something would you?
Um...I can't even recall two weeks ago...I can't remember what happened 5 months ago.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
Maybe, but only because they probably envy my awesomeness.

Can you drive stick?
Sure, but can I drive it well....nah. Andrew needs to take me out a couple more times so I can be more comfortable with it.

Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now?
My pillows, blankets and CharsiCat the Ferocitus.

Has a girl ever seriously punched you?
I have an older sister with fists of mother-effing fury....so yes.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Nope, because I don't really think there's a reason for anything happening.

What are you doing right this second?
"working"

Have you fixed friendships with anyone lately?
Nope

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
There's a couple of them.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Work and some kind of chore...I have to check my list. Maybe working out.

Have you kissed two people in one night?
Ha! Maybe, probably, yeah.

What do you think about smoking weed?
I don't really mind if people do it, it's just not for me.

How did you wake up this morning?
Alarm and CharsiCat.

Do you believe everything you hear?
No, I only believe everything I read on the internets.

Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
I always feel awkward.

Are you taller than 5'5"?
Nah. Cuteness hardly ever comes in sizes that tall.

If you're being extremely quiet, what’s it mean?
A bunch of different things, I don't feel like talking, I'm sick, I have a headache, I'm concentrating, I'm angry....whatever.

Look outside, how's the weather?
I walked to work I remember it being party cloudy and kinda warm.

How do you feel?
I'm tired and sore and I hope I'm not getting the flu.

Do you trust all your friends?
I trust the ones who deserve it....my paranoia permitting.

Did you like anyone last summer?
I like people generally all seasons of the year.


What's one of your favorite colors?
I like darker colors.

In the past week have you felt stupid?
Yeah, but I always feel stupid.


I have to start posting things of substance....it's actually become one of my "chores." Ha!

How does a Monday go from shittastic to utterly terrible within less than two hours? The thing is I still have a doctor's appointment to go to tonight. And it's not exactly the kind of doctor I love going to!

Here's a list of things I really want to do tonight:

• eat some ice cream
• listen to ridiculously depressing songs
• paint (maybe)
• cry for a good hour or so by myself
• get eaten alive by my kitten
• fall asleep and wait for tomorrow to prove to be better.

Instead I have to :

• work
• go to the doctor
• go food shopping
• do laundry
  

Blech!

I'm a little peeved and extremely paranoid and part of me is extremely indifferent. I just don't care anymore, although I feel a bit hurt. If I could change my blog name for just a day, I'd pick the word "shitastic" because that's exactly how I feel. And to be honest, I was in a great mood...and I woke up at 4:45 today. How can you be in a good mood that early in the morning? Blech.

Add Drop Period Means Paper Craziness!

This is the neater part of my desk. The other side looks worse and my piles have now officially become piles!

Why Asshole Should Come With More Examples In the Dictionary.

Someone on Yahoo answers posted a very simple question regarding RockBand 2 and how to save people using the drums. Makes sense, why read the manual when you can just ask online? Or maybe you don't have the manual. Perhaps the print is too small for your eyes! Anywho regardless of your reasons for asking, why would someone answer:

Um.....i have NO idea what you're talking about....?

And his source be:

OHH!!! It's a GAME! Like Guitar Hero? That's why i have no clue, I'm a REAL guitarist, played shows , recorded , etc. ...Sorry , i'm not a "Gamer".

My complaints, which may be attributed to my already unsavory disposition, are as follows:

1. Apparently, you're not exactly great with grammar! I hope your guitar playing abilities fare much better! Perhaps you're not a grammarian either!
   
   
2. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ANSWER?! Look, no one plays these games and then thinks they are a rock legend. It's just for fun. The fact that you take it so seriously is ridiculous! Oh you're a REAL guitarist. Did anyone question your musical ability or need validation of your self perceived awesomeness? Oh no, that's right, someone was looking for help! You however, simply needed to show off how small your cock -- or lack there of -- truly is!

And if you're questioning my intentions, well surely you can include this entire post as simply another example of an asshole.

i am a font jukie.

and i have a cat that is way too curious about the items on my desk.

Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people right now. Go on guess.

One) I find you completely ridiculous and you give in too easily.
Two) I find your smile to be completely infectious and I'm glad you're always able to put me in a good mood.
Three) Sometimes, I find you attractive and the thought of that disturbs me. I don't want to fall into the cliche scenario, but sometimes I can't help it.
Four) You're entirely too good for me and I don't deserve you, but I'm glad you think I'm awesome.
Five) I wish I could make you see what an amazing woman I always thought you were, instead of the shell you've become. You were always my superhero as a kid.
Six) I miss being around you and I wish I could see you more often.
Seven) I wish you'd stop your foolish lying, I'm not seven anymore and I'm pretty good at detecting bullshit.
Eight) You're the most amazing person I've ever met and the only reason I came out alright. That makes me feel a bit guilty, because I know how much you did to make sure I always had a smile on my face. I hope one day I can come close to ever returning the favor.
Nine) You're the goofiest genius I've ever met!
Ten) I have such a hard time explaining why we don't keep in touch anymore and I wonder what you're up to.

9 Things about myself...
One) I l can be selfish, but there's a select few that I'd be completely selfless for.
Two) I have lots of anxiety.
Three) I have tons of goals, but I'm scared I lack the ambition and drive to accomplish them.
Four) Painting and cooking are two things I don't care about failing.
Five) I want to live on a farm for a bit.
Six) Everyone bothers me sometimes at some point.
Seven) I joke about everyone and everything.
Eight) I have a soft spot for awful reality tv.
Nine) I know exactly what it is I want to do with my life, I'm just terrified of actually doing it. There's cyclopes along the journey folks!

8 ways to win my heart...

1. Be able to take a joke.
2. Make me laugh
3. Be extremely silly.
4. Don't agree with me on everything, have a backbone.
5. Get into good conversations with me.
6. Feed me.
7. Challenge me.
8. Get along with my friends

7 things that cross my mind a lot...

One) Graduate School.
Two) Hypothetical Situations
Three) The Stories I want to write
Four) My relationships.
Five) My cat
Six) Random worries
Seven) What am I going to eat.

6 things i do before i fall asleep...

One) go to the bathroom
Two) make sure i have clothes for tomorrow
Three) tell andrew I'm going to sleep
Four) say gnight to my buddies
Five) put up an away message
Six) Check it the alarm is set.

5 people who mean a lot to me...

One) Maria
Two) Ruthy
Three) Andrew
Four) Erica
Five) My parents

4 things im wearing right now...

One) Socks
Two) Pants
Three) Underthings

Four) shirt

3 songs i listen to often at the moment...

One) Gravity- Sara Bareilles
Two) Delicate - Damien Rice
Three) Picked me - A Fine Frenzy

2 things i want to do before i die...

One) Travel the globe
Two) Complete an Iron Man

1 confession
I worry all the time. Every second. Always.

How many people have you completely fallen for?

One

What color underwear are you wearing?

Black

Whats on your mind?
Everything and Anything

Have you done anything bad today?

Nope

Do you watch American Idol?

Nope

Who makes you happy most of the time?

The Drew, My Cat, My Sister and Bro -in Law, and my peeps.

When was the last time you did something illegal?

A while ago

Do you want to see anyone the very minute?

Maybe

Do you have a deep secret?

Everyone does

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Nowhere and everywhere

What was the last text you got, and what did it say?

Something about being in New Brunswick Soon

What are you sick of?

People

What do you want right now?

Go home eat and sleep

Would you use family connections to get a job?

Ha ha ha, my family doesn't have any connections.

Are you desperate?
Nope

Have you ever made anyone cry?

Yes I have.

Have you ever gotten stabbed in the back by a friend?

No, I've gotten tossed aside and treated as if the last 10 years meant nothing though. That's even worse.

Do you believe in god?

Not at all. Imaginary men cause problems when they are placed on a pedestal by bad meaning men.

Are you normally a happy person?

Yep

What makes you mad?
It'd be a shorter list if you asked what didn't anger me.

What is you're greatest fear?

Fear itself.

Do you like people?
Some people.

Are you annoying to people?

People annoy me, so I'm sure I annoy them.

What would you do if you walked in on your GF/BF with another person?

I have no idea.

What religion annoys you the most?

Actually no religion annoys me. It's when people abuse religion and turn it into something disgusting that I become annoyed.

If you could have one superpower what would it be?

Telepathy or Teleportation.

Who is the last person you hugged?

The Drew

If you could go back 3 years and change something what would it be?

I wouldn't change anything, I am who I am because of what I've done.

What's your favorite thing to talk about?

everything.

Would you sleep with someone for a million dollars?

It depends on who....ha ha ha

Would you kill someone for a million dollars?

Nope

Fuck you Eagles! Ha ha ha! I'm not actually angry. My team didn't get slaughtered like the last team the Eagles played. I'm disappointed that they didn't bring it, like they should have. So actually, like a decent person does, I have to say, good game to the Eagles. We didn't want it more, they did. Though I hope you lose next week! :).

On a bigger and more important note. I'm infuriated and it has nothing to do with the game. Which is why I wanted to get my spiel about the game out before I started saying I was pissed. Because I'm not pissed about the game. I'm just upset over it.

I think part of me is angrier that I bit my tongue for so long and didn't get what I've been wanting to say out for the longest time and the other part of me is angry for knowing that I was wasting my time and constantly hearing about how I'm wasting my time, but still choosing to do so. I can only be angry at myself for that.

But for the record. Dealing with a friend doesn't include the times you chose to hang out with them. That's part of being a friend. Dealing with a friend isn't even proof-reading their papers or listening to them babble on about nonsense. That all comes with the territory of being a friend. Friends do things like that for each other. It's the whole reciprocity aspect of being a friend. You scartch my back, I scratch yours and an alliance forms. Dealing with someone however, is always trying to explain to them how you feel and in return having that sentiment blown off by a sweeping statement such as "You think too much" or some other ridiculous excuse that you give to try to say that you're not choosing sides. But you've made is so disturbingly obvious that you have that it's sickening. Not to place all the blame on you though. Chances and common sense tell me that I should've known from the first time you decided to pick someone over me that this friendship was not viewed the same on both sides. It should've been a clear sign that at any given moment you would toss me aside for whoever stroked your ego, or made you feel like you fit in.

A good friend of mine always talks about the loyalty. It irks me. I think it's always been more the word, than the concept. Some words just strike me the wrong way, loyalty has always been one of them. It feels out dated, it sounds as if we are pledging some allegiance to a king or fellowship or something. But the concept, the idea of fidelity, the idea that you're not going to toss the other person aside like an old toy because a newer and shinier one came along, is what she always spoke about.

You think it's merely about disappearing. But it's never simply about that. I have friends disappear on me all the time. Disappearing isn't hanging out with the same group of people and choosing not to acknowledge another. It's not something you just pull up to cover your tracks, when your tracks aren't so easily coverable.

In addition, if you no longer chose to partake in my company, simply come forth and say so. It's better than the bullshit job you're doing of trying to act as if you're so busy. Honesty, regardless of how heartbreaking it may or may not be, is always better. If you don't like who I am anymore, if you find some fault with me then just say so. I've obviously found enough flaws in you to make me even question the reasoning behind my wanting to maintain your friendship. It's the runaround that irritates me the most. Why not just come out and say it, I don't like your company anymore. I don't want to be your friend. You irritate me. It would have saved so much more time. Efficiency people...JEEZ!

Reflections...

I really need to do something about the space I'm taking up here on the interwebs. I always say I'll do something about my blog to make it more....readable, but I never do. I think that I might actually have to at some point. I guess I'll have to add it to my list of 2009 Goals. I mean have you people read this thing? Jesus, talk about sucktastic. I should change the name!! And I should really blog abotu things that interest me more rather than just what I'm up to. I mean by all means, if you care about what I'm up to. I'll insert a random thing here or there...but I should change pace. A new year should mean new things right? At least for the first two weeks of January!

Being old news is the best news! :).